What does a woman need in a marriage?
Affirmation. Lots of it. Soft, tender, thoughtful, unexpected, meaningful, heartfelt affirmation delivered with no sexual demands attached. That’s difficult for most men. A man usually sets goals and generally acts only when he is after something. When it comes to romance, he’s tempted to give affirmation only because he hopes to “get sex” in return. Husbands would do well to watch Solomon in action. Solomon, by contrast, referred to his wife as “my beloved” forty times in the Song of Solomon. That choice phrase is packed with affirmation. It’s a romantic expression, a call to rich friendship. Each time Solomon said, “My beloved,” his words clothed her with dignity and value. What woman wouldn’t flourish under such a constant stream of loving affirmation?
Here are some nonsexual ways to cherish your bride through words and acts of affirmation. And by the way, the use of these words and actions helps you speak her romantic love language. It’s important to remember that you are not doing these things to get something in return. Perhaps she might reciprocate in your love language back to you, but that’s not your goal.
Are you ready?
Then let’s go:
1. Hug and kiss her every morning before leaving the house. Research indicates that marriages that practice this simple discipline are much healthier than those that don’t. If she’s sleeping, leave her a note, or gently kiss her forehead and whisper, “Have a wonderful day, sweetheart.”
2. Reach across the front seat of the car when you drive and hold her hand, even for a few moments. Allow your fingers to become entwined.
3. Initiate daily prayer with her. This one spiritual discipline has transformed millions of marriages. Make a commitment, and then begin to pray together every day. Ask her to pray for you about a challenge you are facing.
4. Go an entire day without criticizing anything about her. Instead, try to notice her doing something that you really appreciate, and tell her how much you value her.
5. Take her car to the fuel station, fill the tank, vacuum the floor mats, and clean the windows. When you park it at the house, leave a note on the dashboard with just a heart and the words, “Thinking of you.”
6. Write her a short love letter in which you list several ways that she has blessed you this year.
7. Say, “Thank you,” after every meal she serves. Then help her clear the table.
8. Try your hand at making breakfast on Saturday morning. Tell her she deserves a break and should feel free to sleep in.
9. Call her from work and say, “I’ve been thinking of how good it is to have you in my life. Thanks for all that you do for me and our family; and thanks for being there always.”
10. While she studies her face in the mirror, come up behind her and gently kiss the back of her neck. Say, “God broke the mold after He made you. You are so beautiful.”
For some men, the thought of affirming their wives sounds like a lot of work. Others are anxious about being so vulnerable with displays of affirmation. Whatever the reason, they hesitate to step out and pursue the call to love found in Ephesians 5:25.
If you’ve hesitated affirming your bride, or if you’ve been slow to praise her qualities, trust me on this: just do it. Affirming your wife through any three or four of these ideas will do wonders for your romance. Is that too difficult to believe?
You’ll never know unless you try, right?
- Why Being A Romantic Isn’t Hopeless (thoughtcatalog.com)
To cherish your husband is not to treat him like “a breakable plate”, but to treat his successes, his secrets, his self-image, his thoughts, his opinions, and his heart like “a breakable plate” treasuring and caring for the details that make up his person.
Most of us married our husbands because there was something about them that we cherished and admired, but it’s easy for those feelings to fade. Yet, admiring your husband is no less important now than it was the day you got married. In her book Let Me Be a Woman, Elisabeth Elliot explains how wives can revive those feelings of esteem:
“Marriage is no house party; it’s not a college campus or a stimulating political row or an athletic contest, and the man is having been a spellbinding orator or a great halfback somehow does not seem terribly significant anymore. But you ought now and then to remember what he was, to ask yourself what it was, really, that caught your eye. Come now, you will say to yourself, you didn’t marry him because he was a great halfback, did you? No, you married this person. Whatever the inner qualities were that enabled him to do the things he did then are still a part of this person that you go to bed with and eat breakfast with and wrestle over the monthly budget with. He is a person with the same potentials he had when you married him. Your responsibility now is not merely to bat your eyelashes and tell him how wonderful he is (but breathes there a man with soul so dead as not to be cheered by a little of that?) but to appreciate, genuinely and deeply, what he is, to support and encourage and draw out of him those qualities that you originally saw and admired.”
You and I married someone who is more than just a man. He is a person with feelings and a heart that can be broken, with the ability to learn and develop and transform. He is a person who experiences life much deeper than what we can see on the outside. And our husbands are longing for us, as wives, to delve into their inner persons and find out the layers of their souls hiding underneath. As a wife, there is no greater gift I can give than to appreciate my husband, not just for what he does for me, but for who he is.
Learning to Cherish Him
Embracing the man God made your husband to be is not a matter of just tolerating his behavior, but truly valuing the makeup of his personality and the traits he has to offer. Although this skill takes practice and time, these three tips will help you communicate and display admiration for the man who desires to make an impression on you most.
First, stop nagging. In the book of Proverbs, the wisest man on earth, King Solomon, warns men about a nagging wife. Here are several Scriptures that show how draining a “contentious” woman can be:
“The contentions of a wife are a constant dripping” (19:13b).
“It is better to live in a desert land than with a contentious and vexing woman” (21:19).
“It is better to live in a corner of a roof than in a house shared with a contentious woman” (21:9, 25:24).
“A constant dripping on a day of steady rain and a contentious woman are alike” (27:15).
Get the picture? A nagging wife is hard to live with. While washing breakable plates, you wouldn’t spray it with a pressure washer would you? No, you would wash each piece by hand with a soft cloth and soapy water. Constant nagging is like putting a pressure washer to your husband’s self-worth. When a wife nags, it doesn’t matter what words are coming out of her mouth, most of the time a husband hears, “You’re not good enough. You don’t meet my needs. I would be better off with someone else.” That’s enough to make most men wonder, Why try?
Instead, if you have suggestions for your husband, have patience. Talk to him, but don’t get frustrated and fight. Make your requests and then respect his decisions. 1Pt 3:1-2 calls us wives to have chaste and respectful behavior toward our husbands, so that “even if any of them are disobedient to the word, they may be won without a word by the behavior of their wives.”
Second, verbalize your appreciation. The book of James reminds us of the power of the tongue:
“If we put the bits into the horses’ mouths so that they will obey us, we direct their entire body as well. Look at the ships also, though they are so great and are driven by strong winds, are still directed by a very small rudder wherever the inclination of the pilot desires. So also the tongue is a small part of the body, and yet it boasts of great things. See how great a forest is set aflame by such a small fire!” (3:3-5)
The words you say do make a difference to your husband. Our spouses are easy targets for taking out frustration or being the butt of our jokes. You may think it’s all in good fun, but sometimes “good fun” hurts. Many husbands will shake off biting comments with a macho shrug, and others might take a verbal/physical punch back at you. Either way, you’ve possibly hurt him and didn’t even realize it.
Instead, use words that lift up and encourage. You will see a difference in your husband’s behavior if you do. Talk about him to others in a positive way. Ask him questions about his life, work, hobbies, and friends.
Tell him that you’re proud of him. When he’s honored at work, tell him how valuable he is as an employee, and take pictures. Learn about the work that he does. Let him teach you about the equipment he uses and the people he works with.
It reminds me of the song, “She Believes in Me” by Kenny Rogers, which tells the story of a man who had great dreams and never accomplished any of them. But the focus of the song is not on his failure, but on the faith and support of his loving wife:
And she believes in me; I’ll never know just what she sees in me.
I told her someday if she was my girl, I could change the world with my little songs; I was wrong.
But she has faith in me, and so I go on trying faithfully.
And who knows maybe on some special night, if my song is right
I will find a way, while she waits … while she waits for me! 1
There is no promise that this man will ever accomplish his dreams, but the power of this woman’s support and encouragement is enough to give him hope.
Third, connect with him emotionally. Women have a tendency to connect emotionally through verbal communication, but men can get exhausted from talking. However, there are other ways to connect even when words are never spoken:
Talk with your eyes. With just a look you can tell your husband how much you love him and that you’re proud of him.
Support him with your presence. Be there when he’s honored at banquets and when he makes a home run on the neighborhood softball team.
Make him feel important. Take pictures of that big fish he caught, frame letters and e-mails with kudos from the boss, clear off a shelf for his trophies.
Laugh at his jokes (even when they’re not that funny). At least when he makes a flop, he knows he can count on you to appreciate the effort.
His Most Precious Possession
As a wife, you have been given the opportunity to see the deepest, most tender parts of your husband’s most precious possession—his heart. It’s not easy for a man to expose who he is underneath that tough exterior, but he’s willing to if he can trust you to take care of his heart and not take advantage of it.
An exposed heart is easy to pierce, so we wives must be careful to treat it gently and tenderly, so as not to cause damage. If he feels that he’s an easy target, he’ll shut you out, leaving you distant and alone in your relationship. But if he knows that his soul is safe with you, he’ll share his most intimate longings and desires.
Perhaps your husband has already shut down and closed himself off from you. Maybe you’ve unknowingly trod his tender heart.
The good news is that it’s not too late to open him back up. A wounded heart can heal. If you will start using these tools and have a little patience, eventually you will again have the pleasure of delving into those soulful places that only a wife is privileged to go.
- Weekly Write-Up: Wives and Husbands. (cmcsarchchicago.wordpress.com)
- 3 Keys to a Healthy Marriage (removeyourcape.com)