Trying to decide if the person you’re dating is God’s best choice of mate for you but the answer isn’t clear? Determining God’s best is a critical decision, one that requires you put aside your own agenda and desires, in order to consider the most important thing: what is God trying to tell me about this relationship?
Below are some checking list that I believe will help you determine God’s choice of mate for you. Beloved remember, before you expect to find this kind of person you must be this kind of person for someone else. God will not give you His best if you are not already His best for someone else.
Growing up Spiritually. Ask: Does this person seek out God willingly and eagerly on their own? Does he/she rely on me to grow spiritually– read the bible, go to church or does he/she do this already? God’s best will have a growing relationship with Him that is genuine, fresh and intimate in a way that is noticeable for all to see.
Active Prayer Life. Ask: Does this person pray regularly? Does he/she easily pray with me or in front of others? Does he/she talk about their prayer concerns and answered prayer? A marriage without prayer is like a light that hasn’t being plugged in– it’s dark and powerless. God’s best must be conversing with Him on regular basis for direction in life and investing in the lives of others.
Pure. Ask: Is this person determined to wait until marriage to have sex or use my body for his/her own pleasure in any capacity? Does he/she live what they preach? A great “barometer” to a person’s heart is how they control their sexual urges, if they truly love God and want to be obedient to Him, there will be no excuses, playing with fire, or compromises. They will honor God above their fleshy desires and will wait for you.
Teachable. Ask: Does this person ask for help, do they admit when they are wrong and say sorry? Do they seek godly counsel, do they respect God– given authority in their lives and are they repentant and obedient in matters with God? There is no greater security in marriage (especially for women in submitting to their husband) than trusting a mate who is teachable before God and seeking His will above their own.
Honest. Ask: Does this person tell you the truth even when it’s hard, does he/she take responsibility for their actions( own up) when they do something wrong or hurtful, do they twist the truth or minimize it to get out of trouble? Counting on your partner’s word in marriage is vital. He/she shouldn’t be afraid to admit when they mess up.
Whole. Ask: Does this person place their hopes, expectations and emotional needs in God alone? During difficult times do they try to fill up holes with the emotional support of others (especially me)? God’s best knows that it is only God that can give true comfort, hope and security. In times of difficulties and challenges they know how to turn the light on Him for solutions.
Surrendered. Ask: Is this person stubbornly pursuing their plans and goals or do they frequently offer up their lives to God and His plans? If the person you are marrying is living for him/herself, you are not going to have the marriage God intended for you. God’s best will live a life surrendered to His Spirit.
Forgiving. Ask: does this person forgive and get over things easily, is there any area of bitterness or unforgiveness from their past that they have not dealt with? God’s best has a forgiving spirit and he/she recognizes God as being in control of their lives, so they can let go of offenses. This will work in your favor when you have marital conflicts.
If after going through the above check list and you still can’t determine God’s will for the future, then:
Wait – perhaps God is not ready to reveal His plan for your relationship yet.
To all mothers and mothers in waiting your walk with God is very vital to the successful training of your child in the way of the Lord. You can only give what you have and not what you have not Acts3:6. If your walk with God is questionable, then your children’s walk with God will be questionable too. Likeness, if your walk with God is worthy of emulation, your children’s walk with God will make Him proud of you and your children. One vital way of walking with God, is through your fellowship with Him. How strong is your devotion to God? How strong is the cord of relationship binding you with God? As a mother your time with God is very important, irrespective of the fact that you have a busy schedule– especially if you are a working mother. God expects you to have time to be with Him in the midst of your busy and overcrowded time schedule. In fact God wants your best time and not your leftover. You must cultivate a habit of seeking Him first thing in the morning that means as a mother you must rise up early, even though you are the last to go to bed. Prov31:15,18 “she gets up before daylight to prepare food for her family and for her servants…..she knows when to buy and sell, and she stays busy until late at night” (Contemporary English Version). As you wake up early at night to lift your household before the Lord, God gives you direction as to how to run the affairs of your home, and also God stays the hands of the evil one over your family. The devil will never have the opportunity to sow tares in the lives of your love ones, as you are always alight in the spirit; spiritually you are on fire. The devil can only sow tares, when you are in sleepy state –physically and spiritually. “How do I cultivate a meaningful relationship with God, how do I stay permanently connected, even in my moments of discouragement and struggles? In order to attempt to answer the above questions, we must start from the very beginning.
Overcoming the Guilt Feeling.
Nothing kills the joy of meeting with God than guilt. Recurring guilt is perhaps the most frequent struggle in our walk with God. We wonder why we do not feel right with God or why we haven’t spent more time with Him or for Him. Most of us have tried, but we have puzzled over what it really should be and we have felt miserable over our failures. The reason why this part of our faith is so troublesome and so hard to grasp is because we do not know what we are pursuing. As mothers we must get past the guilt feeling and pursue after God, strive to know Him on a personal note.
Getting Personal with God.
Surprisingly, most of us live as if God were not a person, most suspect that He exists but never live as if they expect to meet Him face to face/person to person. We claim a personal faith, yet our relationship with God is impersonal. We believe God is Holy, Righteous and Almighty. But these qualities keep us from seeing Him as a person, so God becomes someone we put on a pedestal so far above us that He ceases to be a person. The reason we meet with God is to know Him as personally as possible. This is the mystery of meeting with God. God said in Gen1:26 “let us make man (woman) in our own image, after our likeness….” It is not a flesh and blood image but a personality image—a person with intellect, emotions and will. God provided us with three experiences to help us understand how we are made in His image. Using our intellectual ability help us learn the mind of God, our minds was made so that we could know God. The relationship at this level involves two thinking persons. Hence God said in Isa1:18 “come now, and let us reason (think) together”. In our devotional time with God we bring our thoughts in line with His, thereby rubbing our small minds with His Superior Mind and we come out as superstars. The second experience is expressed in marriage. We learn to use our emotions by loving someone else. In this experience God teaches us that He is an emotional person. Love is a priority for our relationship with God. When you are in love with someone you always crave the presence of that person. Whenever you are around that person, everybody around you knows you are in a relationship with that person. There is a love bond between you too. This is how it should be with us and God. Unfortunately, this is not so for most of us. Your love expression for God is easily expressed and explained by your love for your spouse. If your devotional time with God is boring and a mere act of duty, then check yourself, if you are sincere, you will discover you are having a struggle with your relationship with your spouse. The third experience God gave us is expressed in our obedience to His commands—the use of our will or choices. God is a person of will as we are. To have a personal relationship with God, you need to know and respect His will, just as He knows and respect your will. God gave us a mind to know Him and to bring into harmony with His Mind, a heart to love Him and to bring into harmony with His Heart and a will to obey Him and to bring into harmony with His Will. God made us to be so like Him, so that we could know Him to the fullest of our created ability. In conclusion, we could say according to Dr Dwight Pentecost “what a man truly knows he will love, and what he truly loves, he will serve. This is what being personal with God is all about—knowing, loving and serving. This is what makes devotional time possible.
If it is this simple, why is it so hard for me to be personal with God.
Adam’s sin of disobedience in the Garden of Eden corrupted the perfect image of personality we had with God. Sin erupted that relationship of communing with God in the cool of the day. Since then our ability to know God has been darkened; our love for God has been degraded; and our ability to obey Him disabled. We no longer naturally seek Him. We find it hard to love Him with pure motives and to obey Him becomes difficult. No wonder God doesn’t seem very personal to us anymore. Thank God for the coming of Christ, He restored us back to that fellowship of intimacy with God through His death on the Cross. He reconciled us back to God, so that we can get personal with God again 2Cor5:17-19. God through the atoning death of Jesus Christ changed our corrupted image back to the original image 2Cor3:18. God through Christ gave us back the ability to know, love and serve Him. This is what life as a mother is all about, to know God as deeply as you can and to translate that knowledge into the training of your children. Thereby raising children after God’s heart. This is life eternal, that we as mothers might know Him, as the only true God and Jesus Christ whom He sent (Jn17:3). The knowledge of God is the best possession you can have in life as a mother, for it brings with it joy, delight and contentment. Another obstacle, to our being friends with God comes in the form of barrier of formality. We have been taught to revere God, and God Himself commanded it but He is also our Father and we are a family, He went out of His way to adopt us Rom8:15, so we are to maintain a close familiar relationship with Him. How will you feel as a mother when your child calls you, “Mrs. Your Surname”, rather he calls you mum or mama. Jesus always referred to God as Father. God also wants us to refer to Him as Daddy. In your closet call Him an informal name. In Isa54:5, the bible says, your maker is your husband, so why don’t you call Him some sweet names like Darling, Love of my life, my Sunshine or you can call Him some special names in your local dialect. When you do this you are establishing an intimate relationship with Him. Devotion is all about relationship, the one you have a relationship with, you will always want to be with. We find it difficult to enjoy a time of devotion with Him because we do not have a relationship with Him. Our time of devotion is just a mere act of duty and nothing else. Mothers let us develop an attitude of friendship with our divine Lover and Husband, who is ready and patience enough to listen to all our real and imagined frustrations, and moments of joys we encounter as we raise a godly family that will glorify God. He gave us the husbands and the children, He knows these precious individuals very well, and He alone can help us to understand the workings of their minds. This makes being a wife and a mother, a thing to be cherished, a duty to be carried out with gladness of heart. As we walk with God on a friendly note, we shall enjoy the blessedness of motherhood in Jesus Name. Amen.
A Prayer for Mothers
Most Gracious Heavenly Father ,
I thank you for every mother to whom You have entrusted the care of every precious human life from its very beginning in the womb.
You have given to woman, the capacity of participating with You in the creation of new life. Grant that every woman will come to understand the full meaning of that blessing.
Watch over every mother who is with a child, strengthen her faith in Your Fatherly care and love for her and her unborn baby. Give her courage in times of fear or pain, understanding in times of uncertainty and doubt, and hope in times of trouble. Grant her joy in the birth of her child.
Grant that all mothers may worthily foster the faith of their children, following the examples of the holy women in the Bible who followed Christ. Help mothers to grow daily in knowledge and understanding of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, and grant them the wisdom to impart this knowledge faithfully to their children and to all who depend upon them.
For all the mothers in waiting, Father as You answered the cries of women like Sarah, Rachel, Hannah and Elizabeth, grant unto them their heart desires also. Let them also experience the joy of motherhood as they serve You faithfully, trusting in Your undying love and faithfulness. Help them to fulfill their destinies as mothers.
I beseech You to send Your Holy Spirit, the Comforter, to all mothers who sorrow for children that have died, are ill or estranged from their families, or who are in trouble or danger of any kind. Help grieving mothers to rely on Your tender mercy and Fatherly love for all Your children.
I ask your blessing on all those to whom You have entrusted motherhood. May Your Holy Spirit constantly inspire and strengthen them. May all mothers receive YourGrace abundantly in this earthly life, may they look forward to eternal joy in Your Presence in the life to come. As we celebrate Mothers’ day, make the joy of every mother be full. In Jesus Name I pray Amen.
- How do you define “a personal relationship with God”? (themysteryofchrist.wordpress.com)
- God: Friend or Supplier? (bslchicago.wordpress.com)
Money is one of the major causes of friction in a marriage, because we live in a world in which we are constantly worried about taking care of ourselves. It’s easy to forget that marriage is a commitment to forge a new life with another person. The lack of trust emerging from society has created prenuptial agreements and separate bank accounts. These undermine the commitment to a shared life with a spouse and are contrary to biblical teachings. Whenever financial issues begin to get out of hand in a marriage, the first thing to do is to pray about them. There is no substitute for God‘s answer. Secondly, you might try talking to a marriage counselor or your pastor, who with the help of the Holy Spirit will help you resolve issues diplomatically. God’s Word says, “For this reason a man shall leave his father and his mother, and be joined to his wife; and they shall become one flesh” Gen 2:24. In Matt 19:6, our Lord Jesus says, “So they are no longer two, but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together let no man separate.”
God’s Minimum Financial Standards for Couples.
The Word of God has basic principles that govern every aspect of marriage, including finances.
Although these biblical principles are in contrast with the world’s ideas about money, when couples dedicate themselves to living by God’s principles they will avoid many potential financial problems. God requires minimum financial standards of finance in marriage for His people. If couples establish these minimum standards and decide to make them an essential part of their financial management, they will, without a doubt, lay a strong foundation for a healthy and balanced marriage.
The following are four primary minimum standards of finance found in God’s Word that all couples are encouraged to adopt.
(A) God owns everything.
“For we brought nothing into the world, and it is certain we can carry nothing out”
1 Tim 6:7.
Once couples accept the fact that God owns everything and that they have been chosen to be stewards or managers of God’s property, it’s important for them to manage it according to His principles and standards. It’s how we faithfully manage what He has given us that will determine whether He will give us greater things to manage Matt 25:23. So, since in a marriage husband and wife are one, the financial assets and incomes of both husband and wife should be merged and they should operate from a unified financial management base, rather than from a separate and independent management base.
(B) Think ahead and avoid problems.
“For which one of you, intending to build a tower, sitteth not down first, and count the cost, whether he have sufficient to finish it?”
Too often couples put off planning until they are so deeply in debt that it seems impossible to get out. By then it is too late to plan, except for crisis planning. Couples need to begin planning by writing down their goals and objectives, which should include a yearly balanced budget. These goals and objectives need to be reviewed yearly. Obviously one of the first goals is to avoid financial bondage by staying out of additional debt and committing to pay off existing debt. This doesn’t necessarily mean that they shouldn’t borrow, but borrowing to buy consumables, such as gifts, vacations, and clothes, should be avoided. This type of credit debt will put a couple into insurmountable debt faster than they can pay themselves out of it.
(C) Keep good records. “By wisdom a house is built, and by understanding it is established; and by knowledge the rooms are filled with all precious and pleasant riches”
It is impossible for couples to have their finances under control unless they understand the basics of good bookkeeping. Recently it was discovered that less than two out of 10 couples know how to actually balance their checkbooks. This means that many married couples seldom know how much money they have to spend or how much they are spending. Couples should develop their financial plans and work together, but there should be only one bookkeeper in the home who pays the bills. Two bookkeepers invite bookkeeping disaster.
“The simple believes every word, but the prudent considers well his steps”
Most financially naive couples are not stupid regarding money; they are just ignorant and do not understand how borrowing and interest rates work. As a result, their primary concern becomes “How much are the monthly payments?” rather than “How much is this going to cost ultimately?” In addition, many times the naive people borrow more money than they can repay because they have no budget. In essence, they have no idea where their money goes each month or how much credit their income can support. Couples need to learn financial management and budgeting and use that information to avoid debt or financial problems.
God’s Word provides standards for managing money that is essential for marital unity. If couples study these biblical principles, learn them and put them into practice in their marriages, and adhere to these standards no matter how tempted they are to adopt the world’s standards, their marriages will be strong and will remain sound.
- Wealthy With Kids And About To Get Hitched? Don’t Get Hit With This Massive Tax (businessinsider.com)
- Managing The Marriage Purse: The Newlyweds Guide to Financial Mastery (mlmww.com)
Bitterness is a silent killer of life and destroyer of marital destiny. Many marriages have been destroyed because one partner decided to harbour bitterness against the other. Bitterness is an unnecessary weight, it is deadly.It stores itself in the soul, and slowly poisons the one who carries it. It’s a blade meant for another that eventually severs the hand that tightly conceals it. Take a look at this setting and see what bitterness can do to your marital relationship: The problems with your spouse are real, and your anger is justified. However, what keep your marriage from healing are not only the problems your spouse has to overcome, but also the prideful bitterness you guard in your heart. Little by little, day by day, you have allowed this bitterness to poison you. Your spouse does something disappointing, instead of confronting the problem, you silently hold it against him/her. He/she continues to make the same mistakes, and you continue to harbor your resentment. This pattern goes on for years and the love you once felt for your spouse goes numbed and your heart becomes hardened. Eventually the marriage breaks up and you blame it on your spouse and the devil. You spend the rest of your life miserable and extremely bitter. This could have been avoided if you have chosen the part of forgiveness.
What causes Bitterness?
In every marriage, husband or wife does something that hurts the other. It’s bound to happen because none of us is perfect. And in some cases, a spouse has a habit of doing the same thing over and over again, even after the behavior is confronted. Bitterness comes when you hold on to hurt and refuse to forgive the person that hurt you. Most of the time, this comes as a result of ongoing actions of a small nature for example, lack of understanding, misuse of finances, harsh comments etc that build up over time. Each offense takes residence in the heart, and at some point there is no more room left to take in more. That’s when bitterness is manifested and causes the most damage.
What’s Wrong With Bitterness?
A hardened heart can cause a lot of pain. Here are three reasons why bitterness should be removed from your heart as soon as possible:
#1. Bitterness harbors unforgiveness. You may feel justified in your anger. You may think that your spouse doesn’t deserve your forgiveness until he/she straightens him/herself out. But have you forgotten the mercy that Jesus had for you? Rom 5:8 tells us that Christ died for us while we were yet sinners. By God’s grace, He didn’t wait for us to “get our acts together” before He provided a way for forgiveness. He gave it to us freely even when we didn’t deserve it. On the Cross of Calvary, when Jesus was to be crucified for the sin of the world, He prayed, “Father, forgive them; for they do not know what they are doing” (Lk 23:34). If forgiveness is given freely to us, how much more should we give it to our spouses? Not only should you desire forgiveness simply because it was given so freely to you, but also, the Bible tells us that there are consequences for unforgiveness. Jesus said, “If you forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their trespasses neither will your Father forgive your trespasses” (Matt 6:14-15). Seek forgiveness not only for the sake of your spouse, but also for yourself. I wonder how many hurting marriages would be healed if Christian husbands and wives learned to love “mercy” as much as they love “justice”?
#2. Bitterness doesn’t give your spouse a chance to repent. If you’ve been suppressing your hurt, your spouse may not even know he/she has offended you. Bitterness often comes from hurt that has been suppressed without communication, like filling up a bottle with pressure eventually that bottle will explode. In the same way, the outburst in your heart can result in a broken marriage, and your spouse never even saw it coming. If that is the case, go ahead and tell your spouse what’s been bothering you. Sit down and try to work it out. Perhaps, your spouse does know of your unhappiness, but he/she chooses to continue in the same patterns. This does not negate your responsibility to remove the bitterness from your heart. You still need to give him/her the chance to repent, although stronger measures, such as, marriage counseling may need to take place. You may ask, “How many times does my spouse have to do something before I’m justified in my bitterness?” In Matt18:21-22, Peter asked Jesus how many times he needed to forgive someone, even questioning as many as seven times. But Jesus said, “I do not say to you, up to seven times, but up to seventy times seven.” No matter how many times your spouse may do something, you are still responsible to forgive him/her.
#3. Bitterness spreads. Have you ever seen a piece of stale bread? It appears that there is only one ruined area, but if you looked at the bread through a microscope, you would see long roots spreading throughout the slice. What appears on the surface doesn’t reflect what’s really happening below. Bitterness grows the same way. One little bit of bitterness can start to spread throughout your heart, and contaminate your whole body. It will start to manifest itself in your attitude, character, and even your health. In addition, the spreading can also affect your children and your family. Have you ever noticed how one person’s criticism makes everyone else critical, too? It’s the same with bitterness. Paul compares it to yeast when he writes, “A little leaven, leavens the whole lump” (Gal 5:6). When you bring bitterness into your life it extends to your family, your brethren in the church and everyone else who is involved in your life.
Getting Rid of Bitterness
You may feel like there is little hope left for your marriage relationship. You may be so full of bitterness that you’ve convinced yourself that your marriage could never be healed, but let me assure you that the healing must begin with yourself. With God, all things are possible (Matt 19:26).
Here are four steps to take to begin your healing from bitterness.
#1. Confess your bitterness as a sin. It’s so easy to justify our attitude when we’ve been hurt, but the Bible teaches that bitterness is a sin.
Heb12:14-15 says, “Pursue peace with all people, and holiness without which no one will see the Lord. Looking carefully lest anyone fall short of the grace of God; lest any root of bitterness springing up cause trouble, and by this many are defiled.” You must seek peace with your spouse and the grace to forgive.
#2. Ask for God’s strength to forgive your spouse and diligently seek that forgiveness. In Eph4:31-32, Paul exhorts us to “Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you.” It’s hard to be tender-hearted to a spouse who has hurt you, but it is possible. We have the power to forgive because Christ forgave us, and He gives us strength through the Holy Spirit (Col2:9-11).
#3. Make a list of your hurts and find a time to talk to your spouse about it. After you’ve made your list, pray about which things you can let go. You may want to physically scratch off each one that you can forgive as an act of faith. Then for those transgressions that are left, ask God to give you the strength to talk to your spouse about them. Before talking to your spouse, let him/her know that you plan to set aside some undistracted time for you to talk about some issues. As you talk, keep the discussion productive. Start by confessing your own sins to him/her. Then talk to him/her about your hurts. Don’t just dump all your irritations and criticisms on him/her, but speak in love with gentleness and rationale. Once you begin, your spouse may deny his/her behavior or even become irritated. But the object of the discussion is to expose the wounds, not to accuse. Keep love the main motivator of your communication.
#4. Worry about changing yourself, not your spouse. You cannot change your spouse only God can. But what you can do is allow God to change your heart. If you have a log of bitterness in your own eye, how can you take the speck out of your spouse’s eye? (Matt 7:3). You, too, have made choices in this relationship that have hurt your spouse and need to be mended. Even though your spouse’s sin goes unresolved for now, he/she will answer for them one day before God (Matt10:26). In the same way, God will hold you responsible for the bitterness in your heart.
May the love of Christ reign supreme in your heart as you take the bold step towards your healing from all forms of bitterness in your heart.
It is well with your home in Jesus Name. Amen.
Few couples like to admit it, but conflict is common to all marriages. I have had my own share of conflict in marriage. I can easily write a book on what not to do!
Take a look at this scenario: Start with two self centered people with different backgrounds and personalities. Now add some bad habits and interesting character traits, throw in a bunch of expectations, and then turn up the heat a little with the daily trials of life. Guess what? You are bound to have conflict. It’s unavoidable. Since every marriage has its tensions, it isn’t a question of avoiding them but how you deal with them. Conflict can lead to a process that develops unity or isolation. You and your partner must choose how you will act when conflict occurs.
How do You Successfully Handle Conflict When it Occurs?
#1. Resolving conflict requires knowing, accepting, and adjusting to your differences.
One reason why we have conflict in marriage is that opposite attracts. It’s strange but that’s part of the reason why you married who you did. Your spouse added a variety, spice, and difference to your life that it didn’t have before. But after being married for a while (sometimes a short while), those attractions become repellents. You may argue over small irritations such as how to properly squeeze a tube of toothpaste or over major philosophical differences in handling finances or raising children. You may find that your backgrounds and your personalities are so different, that you wonder how and why God placed you too together in the first place. It’s important to understand these differences, accept and adjust to them. Just as Adam accepted God’s gift of Eve, you are called to accept His Gift to you. God gave you a spouse who completes you in ways you haven’t even learned yet.
#2. Resolving conflict requires defeating selfishness.
All of our differences are magnified in marriage because they feed what is undoubtedly the biggest source of our conflict; our selfish, sinful nature. What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don’t they come from your desires that battle within you? You want something but don’t get it. You kill and covet, but you cannot have what you want. You quarrel and fight. You do not have, because you do not ask God. Jas4:1-2 (NIV). This is the heart of what makes our conflict ugly, our sin and selfishness focuses us on our own agenda. The answer for ending selfishness is found in Jesus and His teachings. He showed us that instead of wanting to be first, we must be willing to be last. In place of wanting to be served, we must serve, instead of trying to save our lives, we must lose them. We must love our neighbors (our spouses) as much as we love ourselves. In short, if we want to defeat selfishness, we must give up, give in, and give all. To experience unity, you must give up your will for the will of another. But to do this, you must first give up your will to Christ, and then you will find it possible to give up your will for that of your mate.
#3. Resolving conflict requires loving confrontation.
Confronting your spouse with grace and tactfulness requires wisdom, patience, and humility. Here are a few tips you will find useful:
Check your motives: Will your words help or hurt? Will bringing this up cause healing, wholeness, and oneness, or further isolation?
Check your attitude: Loving confrontation says, “I care about you. I respect you and I want you to respect me. I want to know how you feel.” Don’t hop on your bulldozer and run your partner down. Don’t pull up with your garbage truck and start unloading all the garbage you’ve been saving. Approach your partner lovingly.
Check the circumstances: This includes timing, location, and setting. Don’t confront your spouse, for example, when he/she is tired from a hard day’s work or in the middle of settling a dispute between the children.
Check to see what other pressures may be present: Be sensitive. What are the issues going on in your spouse’s life right now?
During the discussion, stick to one issue at a time: Don’t bring up several. Don’t save up a series of complaints and let your spouse have them all at once.
Focus on the problem, rather than the person: For example, you need a budget and your mate is something of a spendthrift. Work through the plans for finances and make the lack of budget the enemy, not your mate.
Focus on the facts rather than being judgmental: If your partner forgets to make an important call, deal with the consequences of what you both have to do next rather than say, “You’re so careless; you just do things to irritate me; you are useless and good for nothing.”
Above all, focus on understanding your spouse rather than on who is winning or losing. When your spouse confronts you, listen carefully to what is said and what isn’t said. It may be that he is upset about something that happened at work and you’re getting nothing more than the brunt of that pressure. In other words, you are not the problem and all your spouse is trying to do is express some pent-up frustrations and feelings.
#4. Resolving conflict requires forgiveness
No matter how hard two people try to love and please each other, they will encounter challenges. With these challenges comes hurt. And the only ultimate relief for hurt is the soothing balm of forgiveness.
The key to maintaining an open, intimate, and happy marriage is to ask for and grant forgiveness quickly. And the ability to do that is tied to each individual’s relationship with God. Concerning the process of forgiveness, Jesus said, “For if ye forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if ye do not forgive men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses” (Matt6:14–15). The instruction is clear: God insists that we are to be forgivers, and marriage probably more than any other relationship presents frequent opportunities to practice. Forgiving means giving up resentment and the desire to punish. By an act of your will, you let the other person off the hook. And as a Christian you do not do this under duress, scratching and screaming in protest. Rather, you do it with a gentle spirit and love, as Paul urged: “And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ’s sake hath forgiven you.” (Eph4:32).
As difficult as it is to work through conflict in marriage, we can claim God’s promises as we do so. Not only does God bless our efforts based on His Word, but He also tells us He has an ultimate purpose for our trials. 1 Pt1:6-7 tells us, “Wherein ye greatly rejoice, though now for a season, if need be, ye are in heaviness through manifold temptations: That the trial of your faith being much more precious than of gold that perisheth, though it be tried with fire, might be found unto praise and honor and glory at the appearing of Jesus Christ:”
God’s purpose in our conflicts is to test our faith, to produce endurance, to refine us, and to bring glory to Himself. This is the hope He gives us that we can actually approach our conflicts as an opportunity to strengthen our faith and to glorify God.
- Top 15 Reasons Romantic Partners Fight (marriagegems.com)
Today, the word love is used very loosely by people in expressing themselves. It is used to advertise anything from toothpaste to automobiles; not much regard is given to it.
What is love? Love as defined by Oxford Dictionary is a strong feeling of deep affection for someone or something; it also defines it as having a strong affection or deep tender feelings for someone or something. The English language seems insufficient to define love adequately. But the Greek language has three words that help us define the various aspects of love. Eros love is romantic and passionate. It inspires a romantic climate in which you can express physical intimacy with your spouse. It yearns to possess the beloved (Songs of Solomon). It loves because the beloved is attractive and worthy. It cannot be sustained over a period of time unless the other forms of love accompany it. Philia love is the close friendship that cherishes the beloved. There is a mutual sharing in a best friend relationship, where each can communicate their thoughts and dreams. Philia love is reciprocal, each expects something from the other. It allows your spouse to share in your innermost feeling, that is the real you. This love also can fade. Agape love is concerned with the highest welfare of the beloved. It is an act of will and does not depend on feeling. It is unconditional, productive, sacrificial, humble, a choice and a total commitment. Since God is the source of agape love, it persists when others forms of love fades. The word of God made us to understand that love (agape), is the bedrock of all relationships Jn13:34. According to Wycliffe Bible Dictionary, “love is not a mere sentiment but a voluntary self-dedication to the point of self-slavery”. In short, love is fellowship between persons, based on acts of self– sacrifice. Such love is willed, deliberate kindness, extending even to enemies ( for whom one has no personal affection). In Matt22:37-40, Jesus told us of the great commandment whish is “to love God with all your heart, soul, and mind; and also to love your neighbor as yourself. He summed up all moral obligations in the word love, expressed in twofold direction God and neighbor. The quotation in Matt22:37 is from the Jewish Shema (Deut6:4-5) which all Jews repeated twice daily. It represents the essence of Judaism, namely that the knowledge of God precedes knowledge of oneself or of others. The Shema not only defines the Person of God in terms of His Unity, but it also defines the nature of relationship that God’s people are to have with Him and with one another. In Jn13:34-35, Jesus gave a great commandment to His disciples as His new commandment for them. This was to be the standard by which His disciples are to be known; the love of Jesus. The servant like, selfless love that Christian display towards one another witnesses to the world that they are true disciples. The issue of unity in marriage and any other relationship is love; Christ love for us and our willingness to love others as the Lord loves us. This new commandment presses us beyond our natural human inclinations to the need for Christ’s inspiration. Christ love for us is not dependent on a quality in us that makes us loveable; Christ is love, and He loves us regardless of our strength or weakness; and if we are created in His image, we also must be love. If we want to love like Him, then we must ask Him and the Holy Spirit will give us the enablement, the power to love like Jesus. We cannot do it on our own, we need His help in order to succeed. Love is not a matter of sentiment alone, but practical concern, blessing, prayer and positive wishes for wellbeing extended to friends and enemies alike. Just as God indiscriminately sends rain and sunshine upon the just and the unjust, so as Jesus disciples, we must be indiscriminate in our extension of love to friends and enemies. Jesus speaking in Matt5:48 “Be ye therefore perfect, even as your Father which is in heaven is perfect”. The emphasis in the command to “be perfect” is not on a flawless moral nature, but on an all-inclusive love that seeks the good of all. Instead of following the example of sinners who love only those who love them, we are to be like the Father in also loving those who do not love us. The Bible says “Be ye followers of God…..….; follow after that which is good Eph5:1; 1Thess5:15. As children of God, purchased by the Blood of Jesus, love is to be the guiding principle in our relationships not only with fellow believers, but with unbelievers as well. In Rom12:9-21, Paul mentions many specific duties that are to characterize transformed living, but love is the dominant note in all the exhortations. Hospitality is the fruit of a transformed, spirit filled life. It is the off shoot of love. It is showing an interest in others and giving ourselves to loving and supporting them even as God does to us Phil2:4. Leaders are to be front runners in the practice of hospitality 1Tim3:2. In Rom12:18, the scripture gave us one vital principle for living a transformed spirit filled life; because some people may remain violently opposed to us, they will reject all efforts of love towards them, there will be times when all efforts towards love fails. However, we are to make certain that we are not at fault, when peace breaks down in such relationships.
CHARATERISTICS OF LOVE.
Love suffers long. Suffer means to endure something that is not pleasant, love will feel the pain and keep on going Deut10:12; Deut6:5. It endures for long, it goes out of its way not to demand its right. You must suffer for love Jn3:16, your love for God will make you pass through the most unbearable situations.
Love is kind. Love is kind 1Cor13:4, that is caring. Kindness is an action, you exhibit kindness when you express care. You need the help of the Holy Spirit in order to express kindness to people. Kindness is a considerate act. When situation brings you in contact with satanic agents, show kindness, that is the love of God. Love them that hate you. You have the right not to show kindness to those who have done you evil, but a higher law says you must show love to them Matt5:44-48; Rom12:20-21. You remain imperfect, as long as you have shown hatred towards satanic agents. For you to have complete power over satanic agents, God has to see complete love in you.
Love is tender and temperate. Tenderness is an action, if you cannot say that an action is tender, then do not take it. Love is temperate, it is controllable. Anger is the result of a lack of control over ones emotions. Anger is a feeling of hostility, it is the opposite of love. It does not permit the manifestation of love. True love cannot get to the point of rage, which is violent anger.
Love does not retaliate. When you retaliate you have broken a principle which says “vengeance is of God”. Instead of taking vengeance ourselves, we should hand it over to God Rom12:19.
Love is not proud or boastful. To boast is to blow ones trumpet. Excessive talking about ones achievement and glory is being boastful Pr25:14. Perfect love is not proud and boastful. Any thought or speech that makes us to be exalted above others is pride and it does not show love. The manner in which you transmit what you know makes you either humble or proud.
Love is compassionate and always believes the best. When you are in love, you do not walk in suspicion. Love does not suspect. Love sees beyond the immediate circumstances and the person to compassionately relate to the lost, the hurting, the distressed, etc. Truest compassion is only found in the nature of God because only God knows the full depth of an individual’s pain, need and suffering. Christ likeness calls us to learn Jesus’ Heart of love, which is a heart of compassion, a depth of sensitivity, that can be worked in us through the Holy Spirit, reconditioning our hearts to be able to sense the pain of human bondage and weep with those who weep Heb13:1&3; Rom12:15.
Love never fails. Love does not forget, it does not lack knowledge When love lives in you and you in love, you will never lack knowledge; for love has an ability which is inherent knowledge. The people perish not only for lack of knowledge Hos4:6, but for lack of love. When the people walk in love, they will walk in knowledge. The spirit behind love is the Holy Spirit Gal5:22, which is the Spirit that knows all things Jn14:26. Love will fail, if it does not know. Anybody who loves will receive the Spirit of knowledge. The Spirit of love works hand in hand with the gift of the word of knowledge and the Spirit of knowledge.
In conclusion, we can say love is everything. Fulfillment in life, marriage and ministry can only be manifested through love. So go and love one another as Christ had loved you; for greater love has no man than this that a man lay down his life for his friends Jn15:12-13. As dear Children of God walk in love Eph5:1-2.
Husbands love your wives, just as Christ loved the Church and gave Himself Eph5:25,28. Wives, we are seriously advised to be submissive, love our husbands and our children Titus2:4.
In marriage relationship, all three forms of love are necessary. Partners should be best friends, passionate and romantic; this is what keeps the marriage alive and vital; but the glue that holds them together is Christ like love (agape), which doggedly loves when you do not feel romantic and is friendly on those days you do not want to be anybody’s best friend.
Real love means giving and not taking; it means being vulnerable and open. Nowhere in marriage relationship, is there room for self protection or selfishness.
It is not love’s purpose to manipulate or outdo the partner. Love’s sole purpose is to build one another up. Go forth and enjoy the dividends of love.
Eccl4:9-12 “Two are better than one because they have a good reward for their labor. For if they fall, the one will lift up his fellow; but woe to him that is alone when he falleth, for he hath not another to help him up. And if one prevails against him, two shall withstand him; and a threefold cord is not quickly broken”.
Let us concern the threefold cord that binds people together in relationships. Though the above verse is often quoted during wedding ceremonies, but it applies to all relationships. In marriage especially, the threefold cord is the husband, wife and the Holy Spirit.
The Scripture says in Mal2:15 “And did not he make one? Yet had he the residue of the spirit. And wherefore one? That he might seek a godly seed. Therefore, take heed to your spirit and let none deal treacherously in your relationship“. It is interesting to note that for every godly relationship, God expect godly seed. Therefore, make your friendship a healthy one based on godly principles and nothing else.
When two people enters into a relationship whether in marriage or in normal friendship, they automatically enters a covenant whether they recognize it or not.
We all know that apart from holy matrimony, there are other relationships we keep in church, office, school, family and business. In every godly relationship, there is one invisible partner (Holy Spirit) which is the cord that ties the relationship together.
When the people involved in this relationship are bound together by God’s principles and allowed the relationship to be based on God’s Word, then, the Holy Spirit which is the cord brings to bear faithfulness, forbearance, honesty, consideration, harmony, peace and joy which will culminate in open door of blessing from above.
In our society today, it is sad to note that not all relationships are bound together by God’s Spirit. It is amazing what ties or bind some people together.
Let’s take a closer look on some relationships we keep, you will discover the underlying cord. For example, two women who are against their mothers in law, their binding cord might be hate or bitterness; two employees who are against their employer might as well be joined together by a cord of unforgiveness.
Other cords that bind people together includes: womanizing, partying, prostitution, gossiping rebellion, etc… Any relationship that is not promoting the kingdom of God is certainly promoting the kingdom of darkness.
TYPES OF RELATIONSHIPS
The common relationship serves to benefit oneself. These benefits may be in the form of money, glory, self—worth, rewards, etc. The relationship flourished as long as these benefits are flowing.
There is another form of friendship, which is not common. This is a relationship with no hidden agenda, it is the God’s type of relationship that flows with agape love, and it serves for the benefit of another.
We all desire this type of relationship, but very few people are willing to pay the price for this type of relationship.
Let’s consider some examples of relationships in the Scriptures.
1. Ruth and Naomi
(Ruth 1:16): Ruth and her mother in law; the cord that bound together was the cord of love, despite their cultural difference and religious background, they had undying love for each other. Pro17:17.
2. David and Jonathan (1Sam20:3-4, 16-17): King Saul knew the bond between his son Jonathan and David was a bond of love, so he kept his wicked plot against David’s life hidden from his son. Jonathan was ready to sacrifice everything for the relationship he had with David Pro18:24.
3. Daniel and his Friends (Dan2:17-19): Danger was looming over the land but Daniel and his companions decided to seek heaven’s intervention. Note they did not gather to murmur nor complain; neither did they gossip the king nor curse him. Pro15:4.
1Kgs13:18. A prophet lying to a fellow prophet.
1Kgs3:19-20. Two friends switching each other’s blessing.
Lk22:47-48. Jesus betrayed by a friend’s kiss (Judas Iscariot).
1Kgs21:10. Jezebel ordered the murder of Naboth by his kinsmen.
Acts6:10-14. Stephen murdered by the men of the synagogue
Acts23:12-14. Jews bound with an oath to destroy Paul the Apostle.
Every relationship worth having should be bound by the Spirit of God. Instead of that relationship being a weight that will lead to destruction, it should help the people involved withstand evil and a threefold cord is not easily broken.
In a nutshell, real friendships don’t just happen and they are not maintenance free.
For us to have valuable relationships we should ask ourselves some questions like: How would you describe your friendships? What is God doing in both of you, individually and together as friends? How can you help each other become all God wants you to be?
A relationship based on godly principles and sealed by the binding force of the Holy Spirit will be refreshing, peaceful and never burdensome.
Finally, Matt18:19-20 emphasizes the dynamic power available in prayer of agreement. So, let us utilize this mystery for our advantages and for the enhancement of God’s kingdom.
Let the Holy Spirit help us choose our friends and partners.
- The Priorities of a Godly Husband. (covenantfamilyaffairs.wordpress.com)
- The Christian Marriage (covenantfamilyaffairs.wordpress.com)
In the last issue of the Lighthouse blog we looked at the biblical responsibilities of the husband, in this write up we shall be looking at the covenant responsibilities of the wife.
As a wife you are a crown to your husband, a crown relates to wisdom, a crown encircles the head. Wisdom, in effect, surrounds and protects the mind and bring honor to the “head” of one who has it.
When she is received as God‘s gift, the husband of a godly woman will benefit from God’s wisdom through her. The husband of such a woman will be respected in the society, the woman who cultivates her relationship with God first, then relates appropriately to her husband will powerfully influence him in every area of life.
The importance of wisdom cannot be overemphasized. The Bible has examples of women who through the wisdom of God operating in their lives saved their husbands and household from imminent destruction 1Sam25:1-35
A wise woman knows her roles in the house and she carries out her duties excellently to the glory of God Prov14:1, Prov31:10-31.
Biblical Responsibilities of the wife.
While we are all called to be help to one another, God specifically created the woman as a helpmeet for the man. You are to help your husband carry out his roles as the head of family government and also to help him become what God intended him to be. You are to be his number fan and cheerleader. Your role as a helpmeet is complementary and not competitive.
The needed help is for daily work, procreation and mutual support through companionship. You are to help make the home a safe haven for your family a place where your husband can come back and relax.
The role of the wife as a helper is likened to the role of the Holy Spirit as our divine Helper.
The Scripture says wives are to respect their husbands, when you respect your husband; you reverence him, notice him, regard him, honor him, prefer him and esteem him.
It means valuing his opinion, adoring his wisdom and character, appreciating his commitment to you and considering his needs.
Some of the primary needs most men have are as follows:
Self confidence in his personhood as a man.
To be listened to.
To be relevant in the affairs of the home.
Meeting these needs is what respecting your husband is all about. As a wife your husband needs you to bolster his confidence in himself, you are to do this by encouraging him, be behind him, believing in him and appreciating every effort he puts into making life easy for you and the children.
He also wants you to listen to him, no matter how wise you may think you are, a word of wisdom from your husband today will save you the pains and sorrows of tomorrow.
You have to make time to be there for him no matter how busy you may be; if you fail to do this he sees it as disrespect to his person.
Your husband wants to be involved in all that is happening in your life, you must show him that he is relevant and needed by you and the children. You must consider his opinion on all issues whether spiritual or physical matters.
Love Titus 2:4
Wives are called to love their husbands. A good description of the kind of love your husband needs is “unconditional acceptance”. In other words accept your husband just as he is –an imperfect person.
Love also means being committed to a mutually fulfilling sexual relationship.
Survey show that sex is one of man’s most important needs –if not the most important. When a wife resist intimacy, (is uninterested, or is only passively interested) her husband may feel rejection. It will cut at his self image, tear at him to the very centre of his Being and create isolation, which is harmful to your marriage.
Your husband’s sexual needs should be more important and higher on your priority list than household chores, projects etc. it means no matter how busy you are save some energy for him, this will help keep you from being selfish and living for your own needs (1Cor7:4-5). Maintaining this focus helps you defeat isolation in your marriage.
Just mention the word submission and many women immediately become angry and even hostile. This is because of the misunderstanding and misconception of the word.
Submission to husband does not mean the wife is inferior to her husband in any way, it does not lead to being used and abused nor does it mean blind obedience on the part of the woman. What does God have in mind? Col3:18-19 and Eph5:22-30 explains it all. Wives are to submit voluntarily to their husbands’ sensitive and loving leadership. Therefore as I voluntarily submit to my husband I am completing him, I am helping him become the man, the husband and the leader God intended him to be. Building oneness in marriage works best when both partners choose to fulfill their responsibilities voluntarily with no pressure and coercion. For your husband to become the Servant-Leader God has commanded him to be, he needs your gracious respect and submission. When he loves you the way he is commanded to, you can more easily submit yourself to that leadership. Submission becomes easy when you do it with an attitude of entrusting yourself to God 1Pt2:23. When you entrust your life to the Father, it is much easier to be the wife of an imperfect man. Particularly when you may have disagreements.
Sisters, submission to your husband is easy if you live a truly submitted life to Christ that is to live in total submission and obedience to the Word of God, knowing that submitting to your imperfect husband is obeying the word of God.
Beloved, the key to having a perfect family government is for each wife to follow God’s plans, know her part and work to fit in with her husband’s responsibilities.
God bless you, as you partner with your husband in running the affairs of your home according to God’s divine plans and purposes for your family.
Remain bless and stay focus you will surely make in marriage the devil not withstanding. The Trinity is on your side and the Hosts of Heaven are at hand to do your biddings.
It is well with you and your family.
The Grace of God over your family will not be frustrated by the enemy in Jesus Most Holy Name.
- The Woman and Her Home (covenantfamilyaffairs.wordpress.com)
- Wives Submit Yourselves To Your Own Husband (theharvestprinciple.wordpress.com)
- What Does It Mean to Respect Your Husband? (acordof3strands.wordpress.com)
Unity is a triple braided cord. One friend plus another plus Christ make the cord not easily broken (Eccl4:9-12). Our commitment to Christ binds us irrevocably to each other. We find our oneness in Him Jn17:21-23. When Christ is the source and center of a marriage negative forces cannot pull it apart. There is a buffer of Christ grace when we fail or disappoint each other. We belong to Christ and each other in spite of what happens around us. Jesus wants us to know the same oneness with one another that He has with God the Father. He engenders in us love, forgiveness and patience for one another. When Christ is the unbreakable strand in the triple braided cord it cannot be severed. Amos3:3 our commitment to God must first be in place in order for us to develop true and meaningful relationship with others. When we agree with God in all our ways, He makes it possible for our ways to be agreeable with the people around us –our spouses, family members, business associates and neighbors. When your ways are pleasing to the Lord, He will make your enemies to be at peace with you. It is the work of the Holy Spirit to make your enemies to be at peace with you only when your ways pleases God. You must carry out all instructions from the Lord with faithful obedience, for anything done without faith is sin. The whole issue of unity is love –Christ’s love for us and our willingness to love others as Christ loved us Jn13:34. Christ’s love for us is not dependent on a quality that makes us loveable. He loves us because He IS love, regardless of our strengths or weaknesses; this thought maybe humbling to some who want to be chosen, called and cherished because of their human credentials of talent, personality or achievement. Christ’s love is not motivated by any of these human qualities, but by grace motivated. If we are to love His way we must ask for it Jn14:14, and also we must learn that the Holy Spirit must give us the power Jn14:16 He is our Helper who will help us love like Christ. In a world of bartered manipulation, give and take etc unity is not possible without Christ commandment and our willingness to receive His love for others. Unity is Christ miracle of oneness. In Gen2:24 the scripture tells us that a man and his wife are to become one with each other (one flesh). In Jn17:1-26, Jesus prayed for the same oneness He has with the Father for His disciples. He and the Father shared the same purpose, plan and power. It is this kind of oneness God expects from us in our relationships –as couples, as family members and as believers in Christ generally. Christ came not to do His own will but to do the Father’s will Jn6:38. Likewise our unity is dependent on sharing the priority of seeking and doing the Lord’s will. The equation of oneness is profound, and yet very simple: one plus one plus one equals one—Christ plus the husband plus the wife equals one. It is the Christ in our spouses who reaches out to the Christ in us. Likewise the Christ in our fellow believer reaches out to the Christ in us. We are united in and through Him. It is a miracle of the indwelling Christ. The miracle of Christ’s indwelling power is that, the love He revealed is exactly the love He will communicate to others through us. When this quality of love is the basis of a relationship whether marriage or social the miracle of unity is possible. In Eph4:1-16, the scripture presses us towards a recognition of our mutual dependence not only upon Christ, but also upon one another as we learn to minister in love to the needs of each other. The ministry of the Holy Spirit is to bring us together in oneness based on the shared belief in Christ as Lord and Savior, His atoning death, His victorious resurrection and His reigning power. The Spirit overcomes our natural tendencies to selfishness, independence and self serving. He draws us together with our spouses/other believers and creates the miracle of oneness Jesus prayed for in John 17. we cannot overlook the fact that there are obstacles or blockages to unity. It is often the temptation of secondary issues of life that keeps us from living in unity with each other.These secondary issues could be among many others—commitment to parents, family background, denomination, religious beliefs etc. Unity is difficult when these secondary considerations becomes the basis for judging or staying away from others. In addition to the above issues, racial, cultural or social difference, education, position, financial status or political beliefs can stand between couples, keeping them from loving each other and experiencing the unity that Christ desired for them. When we major in minors we end up as failures in life and marriage. The only way to overcome this is to be sure Christ is first and foremost in our lives and to set aside the secondary thing that has little value. The key to a unified relationship is found in 3Jn3. Walking in the Light and truth of God’s word is the ultimate key to true unity. Christ is our Light Jn8:12. In His Light, we see the truth, live the truth and speak the truth. The Holy Spirit is the inner Light who helps us walk in unity with our spouses and fellow believers. John puts it clearly “if we walk in light as He is in the light, we have fellowship with one another” (1Jn1:17). Unity– true practical love—happen when we walk in the light and in the truth – This is the bedrock of marriage. Mutual forgiveness is most important as we cultivate true unity in our relationship with our spouses and fellow believers.
- The Christian Marriage (covenantfamilyaffairs.wordpress.com)
- Christian Couples- Unity of Place of Worship (covenantfamilyaffairs.wordpress.com)
A life of rebellion can pull children into a web of regret. Once they are in it, it is hard for them to get out. As parents we need to help them find their way back into the bosom of the family. It should be our aim, regardless of what our children have done to us, to do everything we can to help restore them to fellowship with God and be in harmony with their extended family.
We are called to be peacemakers (1Pt 3:7). Our government sometimes sends out our armed troops to some hot spots in the world to serve as peacekeepers. Jesus didn’t say, “Blessed are the peacekeepers.” He said, “Blessed are the peacemakers.” Peacekeepers are simply people with big guns and more money in their pockets to keep a rebellion from getting out of hand. Peacekeeping doesn’t solve the rebellion; it just keeps it in check.
A peacemaker helps bring rebellion to an end. That’s what we’re called to do with members of our family who have chosen a life of rebellion. Peacemaking isn’t about avoiding conflict or trying to calm down someone’s anger. It is using whatever means that is beneficial to bringing another person to a point of reconciliation and restoration. It might mean working to avoid a conflict or bringing a conflict to an end. I want to suggest a few principles to follow when acting on God’s leading in restoring a rebellious child back to God and the family:
Talk things out with God before you discuss them with the rebellious child. You want to make sure your heart is right before you attempt to get your child’s heart right. God may need to change you first. He most likely has been teaching you things all along. Allow Him to continue to teach you. Talk with Him, but also listen to Him.
Don’t be afraid to voice your own despair and frustration to God. You may have a good deal of anger of your own to ventilate with Him. Speak what is on your heart respectfully to Him. But speak it!
God speaks very clearly to us through His Word. Put the Scriptures before you and meditate on them. Ask God to reveal to you the unmet needs in your son or daughter that might have stirred him or her to anger. God may wait days, weeks, or months before He gives you the calm assurance that you are ready to make your approach. Wait for His peace. In the meantime, God may not only be changing your heart; He may also be changing your son’s or daughter’s heart, too.
Take the first step. You may have been on the receiving end of a lot of dishonor. Your fragile ego tells you, “It’s your child’s duty to take the first step. He/she’s the one that has rebelled and caused you pain. He/she should have to initiate peace talk.”
Don’t let your flesh do the talking or allow your wounded heart to call the shots. Let God’s Spirit take the lead. And remember that holding back only hurts you. The Bible says that refusing to deal with unresolved conflict will block your prayers.
Identify with their pain. People don’t get angry and rebel for no reason. There may be a lot of pain stirred up inside them. Listen, speak less. Ask questions.
Go with the goal of sympathizing before attempting to find solutions. It’s not the time to rehearse the hurts or try to clarify the mistakes your child has made. Nor is it the time to remind him/her just how much pain he/she has dished out.
The key at this stage of the restoration process is to communicate that your child is tremendously valuable to you. His/her opinions, feelings and wounds matters to you. The Living Bible says, “We must bear the ‘burden’ of being considerate of the doubts and fears of others. Let’s please the other fellow, not ourselves, and do what is for his good” (Rom 15:2).
You may have to listen to some accusations and unfounded assaults. Don’t get into defending yourself. Let your child get the bile out of his/her system. When he/she sees that you aren’t rationalizing, explaining, or arguing, it will show him/her that you are more interested in him/her than in yourself. And remember, if you have to take some insults you don’t deserve, you’ll be doing the same thing for your son or daughter that Christ had to do for you.
Own up to the negative part you played. No parent is perfect. And if you got caught off guard by a child’s rebellion, you may have done or said things you shouldn’t have. Because your child has been so close to you, you may have unintentionally let him/her down.
Don’t try to explain why you did what you did or said what you said. Just ask for forgiveness. Jesus said, “First take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye” (Matt 7:5).
Your attitude of humility and remorse can play a huge role in changing your rebellious child’s attitude. Be thorough, humble, and gentle as you confess the part you played in his/her decision to turn his/her back on God’s best plans. Ask for forgiveness.
Deal with the problem, not the person. It is very important that you go through the process, not accusing your children or convincing them of things they did wrong. God will reveal that to them. This is not the time to attach blame to their actions or to rehearse your hurt.
The book of Proverbs reminds us that “a gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger” (Pro15:1). Your tone of voice, your posture, and your facial expressions can communicate so much that is in your heart. Just let your child see God’s grace and mercy in your eyes and feel it in your voice. The Bible says, “The wise in heart are called discerning, and pleasant words promote instruction” (Pro16:21).
Regardless of whether they use sarcasm, put-downs, arrogance, or insults, don’t give back in kind. Paul said, “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen” (Eph4:29).
Figure out how you can cooperate rather than compete. You may have to swallow some pride. It’s not that you are compromising on absolute principles but rather looking for some common ground where you and your child can both agree. The key here is that you’re not trying to win a battle. Your goal is unity, not victory.
Don’t aim at resolving; aim at restoring. There’s no way both sides of a major conflict are going to agree on everything. Don’t even try. Reconciliation isn’t about evening scores and fixing all the problems that have occurred. Your goal is the restoration of the relationship between you and your child, not in resolving every difference of opinion. When hearts are brought back together, many of the differences between them become irrelevant.
Not even the best of friends and the healthiest married couples see eye to eye on everything. That’s not the goal of love anyway. Grace has room for different perspectives and different interpretations of a situation. Concentrate on bringing your hearts back together and deal with the differences later, after God has brought healing to your relationship. Shalom.
- Free from the Stronghold of Rebellion (ptl2010.com)