I love him
I want him to be my first
He’s waited long enough
I don’t want to lose him
I love her
We’ve been going out for a long time
I have needs
It’s time we took our relationship to the next level
Sweetheart, those are all some pretty good reasons to have sex, aren’t they? But to go along with these carefully thought out reasons, will mean ruining your marital destiny and, building your marital life on a faulty foundation Heb 13:4; Ps 11:3.
Consider the following reasons why pre marital sex is a taboo.
You’re going to get hurt
No matter how you look at it, even when you have good reasons to do it, premarital sex hurts…a lot. If you are a guy, you might think it’s just the girl who gets hurt, but you’re only partly right. The girl will get hurt, because she has this uncontrollable tendency to attach her heart to any guy she gives her body to, unless she’s already been made cold-hearted from the pain of offering her body to be used so many times that she doesn’t care anymore. But as a guy, you will get hurt too. By indulging in non-committed sensual pleasures, you will be setting yourself up for a lifetime of comparisons that will harass your thoughts and make you unable to be content in your most valuable future earthly relationship (your marriage). The guilt you’ll have (and there is always guilt eventually) will eat you up so badly that you will be a target for addictions or avoidance that will prevent any true intimacy in this life.
Your future is going to get messed up.
You already know that teens get pregnant, teens get abortions, and teens get STD’s. Those are all ways that your life can get messed up now and stay that way for a long time.
God is going to get pushed out of your life.
There’s no way around it. When you are living to please yourself and ignoring God, He isn’t going to force Himself on you. That means that you aren’t going to have His help, His encouragement, His direction, or His awesome plans working out in your life. You might think you’re having fun for awhile, but eventually, living for yourself is going to hurt. You will end up lonely, depressed, hopeless, purposeless, and passionless. That’s because you can’t ignore God for long and enjoy your life. You can try, but you will never be peaceful or satisfied. It is impossible. The Bible says in Romans 8:7, 8, “If your sinful nature controls your mind, there is death. But if the Holy Spirit controls your mind, there is life and peace. For the sinful nature is always hostile to God. (NLT)”.
Be wise say NO to premarital sex, it is a destroyer of destiny!
Whether your marriage is currently the best it has ever been, or it is in need of restoration, these secrets will improve your relationship. Even for troubled marriages, it will take work, but it is possible to breathe new life into a relationship that has grown frail. Often, when the flames of love are growing dim at home women tend to blame their husbands for becoming cold and distant. Women share part of the blame when their husbands pull away from them emotionally. Sometimes, it is the women’s attitudes or behaviors that have caused the men to become frigid. It is not that love has died between them; it is just that the husband has shut down emotionally because of how his wife treats him.
Let’s consider these secrets to a healthier relationship with our husbands with an open heart. And the Light of God will shine into that sickly marriage and it will blossom and bloom again:
Secret #1: Your husband cannot meet all of your emotional needs.
Many times, a husband will pull away from his wife because she puts too many demands on him to meet all of her needs. When he can’t possibly meet her expectations, he feels like a failure and distances himself from her.
Secret #2: Your husband has emotional needs that are just as important as your own needs.
It is also important, to realize that women are not the only ones with emotional needs. Men have many important needs as well. Often, when women feel that their husbands are not meeting their needs, they can become hurtful and unkind toward him. This approach makes most husbands pull away because they do not feel respected (a significant emotional need for men). Women need to realize, that if they were to speak to their best friends the way they often speak to their husbands, they would be without friends.
Secret #3: Most men truly want to make their marriages work.
One thing that women have not realized is that men are often more committed to their marriages than women believe. They do care about their marriages. Many men desire to do whatever it will take to save their marriages. “I think most men, by nature, are very committed to marriage. They want to make their wives happy. They want to keep their family together. They want to do the right thing. I think it’s up to us women, to set a healthier emotional climate in the home to inspire them to remain that committed.”
The bottom line: When both spouses are working together to help the other feel loved, there is no limit to how close the two can be. Shalom.
- The Christian Marriage (covenantfamilyaffairs.wordpress.com)
Bitterness is a silent killer of life and destroyer of marital destiny. Many marriages have been destroyed because one partner decided to harbour bitterness against the other. Bitterness is an unnecessary weight, it is deadly.It stores itself in the soul, and slowly poisons the one who carries it. It’s a blade meant for another that eventually severs the hand that tightly conceals it. Take a look at this setting and see what bitterness can do to your marital relationship: The problems with your spouse are real, and your anger is justified. However, what keep your marriage from healing are not only the problems your spouse has to overcome, but also the prideful bitterness you guard in your heart. Little by little, day by day, you have allowed this bitterness to poison you. Your spouse does something disappointing, instead of confronting the problem, you silently hold it against him/her. He/she continues to make the same mistakes, and you continue to harbor your resentment. This pattern goes on for years and the love you once felt for your spouse goes numbed and your heart becomes hardened. Eventually the marriage breaks up and you blame it on your spouse and the devil. You spend the rest of your life miserable and extremely bitter. This could have been avoided if you have chosen the part of forgiveness.
What causes Bitterness?
In every marriage, husband or wife does something that hurts the other. It’s bound to happen because none of us is perfect. And in some cases, a spouse has a habit of doing the same thing over and over again, even after the behavior is confronted. Bitterness comes when you hold on to hurt and refuse to forgive the person that hurt you. Most of the time, this comes as a result of ongoing actions of a small nature for example, lack of understanding, misuse of finances, harsh comments etc that build up over time. Each offense takes residence in the heart, and at some point there is no more room left to take in more. That’s when bitterness is manifested and causes the most damage.
What’s Wrong With Bitterness?
A hardened heart can cause a lot of pain. Here are three reasons why bitterness should be removed from your heart as soon as possible:
#1. Bitterness harbors unforgiveness. You may feel justified in your anger. You may think that your spouse doesn’t deserve your forgiveness until he/she straightens him/herself out. But have you forgotten the mercy that Jesus had for you? Rom 5:8 tells us that Christ died for us while we were yet sinners. By God’s grace, He didn’t wait for us to “get our acts together” before He provided a way for forgiveness. He gave it to us freely even when we didn’t deserve it. On the Cross of Calvary, when Jesus was to be crucified for the sin of the world, He prayed, “Father, forgive them; for they do not know what they are doing” (Lk 23:34). If forgiveness is given freely to us, how much more should we give it to our spouses? Not only should you desire forgiveness simply because it was given so freely to you, but also, the Bible tells us that there are consequences for unforgiveness. Jesus said, “If you forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their trespasses neither will your Father forgive your trespasses” (Matt 6:14-15). Seek forgiveness not only for the sake of your spouse, but also for yourself. I wonder how many hurting marriages would be healed if Christian husbands and wives learned to love “mercy” as much as they love “justice”?
#2. Bitterness doesn’t give your spouse a chance to repent. If you’ve been suppressing your hurt, your spouse may not even know he/she has offended you. Bitterness often comes from hurt that has been suppressed without communication, like filling up a bottle with pressure eventually that bottle will explode. In the same way, the outburst in your heart can result in a broken marriage, and your spouse never even saw it coming. If that is the case, go ahead and tell your spouse what’s been bothering you. Sit down and try to work it out. Perhaps, your spouse does know of your unhappiness, but he/she chooses to continue in the same patterns. This does not negate your responsibility to remove the bitterness from your heart. You still need to give him/her the chance to repent, although stronger measures, such as, marriage counseling may need to take place. You may ask, “How many times does my spouse have to do something before I’m justified in my bitterness?” In Matt18:21-22, Peter asked Jesus how many times he needed to forgive someone, even questioning as many as seven times. But Jesus said, “I do not say to you, up to seven times, but up to seventy times seven.” No matter how many times your spouse may do something, you are still responsible to forgive him/her.
#3. Bitterness spreads. Have you ever seen a piece of stale bread? It appears that there is only one ruined area, but if you looked at the bread through a microscope, you would see long roots spreading throughout the slice. What appears on the surface doesn’t reflect what’s really happening below. Bitterness grows the same way. One little bit of bitterness can start to spread throughout your heart, and contaminate your whole body. It will start to manifest itself in your attitude, character, and even your health. In addition, the spreading can also affect your children and your family. Have you ever noticed how one person’s criticism makes everyone else critical, too? It’s the same with bitterness. Paul compares it to yeast when he writes, “A little leaven, leavens the whole lump” (Gal 5:6). When you bring bitterness into your life it extends to your family, your brethren in the church and everyone else who is involved in your life.
Getting Rid of Bitterness
You may feel like there is little hope left for your marriage relationship. You may be so full of bitterness that you’ve convinced yourself that your marriage could never be healed, but let me assure you that the healing must begin with yourself. With God, all things are possible (Matt 19:26).
Here are four steps to take to begin your healing from bitterness.
#1. Confess your bitterness as a sin. It’s so easy to justify our attitude when we’ve been hurt, but the Bible teaches that bitterness is a sin.
Heb12:14-15 says, “Pursue peace with all people, and holiness without which no one will see the Lord. Looking carefully lest anyone fall short of the grace of God; lest any root of bitterness springing up cause trouble, and by this many are defiled.” You must seek peace with your spouse and the grace to forgive.
#2. Ask for God’s strength to forgive your spouse and diligently seek that forgiveness. In Eph4:31-32, Paul exhorts us to “Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you.” It’s hard to be tender-hearted to a spouse who has hurt you, but it is possible. We have the power to forgive because Christ forgave us, and He gives us strength through the Holy Spirit (Col2:9-11).
#3. Make a list of your hurts and find a time to talk to your spouse about it. After you’ve made your list, pray about which things you can let go. You may want to physically scratch off each one that you can forgive as an act of faith. Then for those transgressions that are left, ask God to give you the strength to talk to your spouse about them. Before talking to your spouse, let him/her know that you plan to set aside some undistracted time for you to talk about some issues. As you talk, keep the discussion productive. Start by confessing your own sins to him/her. Then talk to him/her about your hurts. Don’t just dump all your irritations and criticisms on him/her, but speak in love with gentleness and rationale. Once you begin, your spouse may deny his/her behavior or even become irritated. But the object of the discussion is to expose the wounds, not to accuse. Keep love the main motivator of your communication.
#4. Worry about changing yourself, not your spouse. You cannot change your spouse only God can. But what you can do is allow God to change your heart. If you have a log of bitterness in your own eye, how can you take the speck out of your spouse’s eye? (Matt 7:3). You, too, have made choices in this relationship that have hurt your spouse and need to be mended. Even though your spouse’s sin goes unresolved for now, he/she will answer for them one day before God (Matt10:26). In the same way, God will hold you responsible for the bitterness in your heart.
May the love of Christ reign supreme in your heart as you take the bold step towards your healing from all forms of bitterness in your heart.
It is well with your home in Jesus Name. Amen.
Few couples like to admit it, but conflict is common to all marriages. I have had my own share of conflict in marriage. I can easily write a book on what not to do!
Take a look at this scenario: Start with two self centered people with different backgrounds and personalities. Now add some bad habits and interesting character traits, throw in a bunch of expectations, and then turn up the heat a little with the daily trials of life. Guess what? You are bound to have conflict. It’s unavoidable. Since every marriage has its tensions, it isn’t a question of avoiding them but how you deal with them. Conflict can lead to a process that develops unity or isolation. You and your partner must choose how you will act when conflict occurs.
How do You Successfully Handle Conflict When it Occurs?
#1. Resolving conflict requires knowing, accepting, and adjusting to your differences.
One reason why we have conflict in marriage is that opposite attracts. It’s strange but that’s part of the reason why you married who you did. Your spouse added a variety, spice, and difference to your life that it didn’t have before. But after being married for a while (sometimes a short while), those attractions become repellents. You may argue over small irritations such as how to properly squeeze a tube of toothpaste or over major philosophical differences in handling finances or raising children. You may find that your backgrounds and your personalities are so different, that you wonder how and why God placed you too together in the first place. It’s important to understand these differences, accept and adjust to them. Just as Adam accepted God’s gift of Eve, you are called to accept His Gift to you. God gave you a spouse who completes you in ways you haven’t even learned yet.
#2. Resolving conflict requires defeating selfishness.
All of our differences are magnified in marriage because they feed what is undoubtedly the biggest source of our conflict; our selfish, sinful nature. What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don’t they come from your desires that battle within you? You want something but don’t get it. You kill and covet, but you cannot have what you want. You quarrel and fight. You do not have, because you do not ask God. Jas4:1-2 (NIV). This is the heart of what makes our conflict ugly, our sin and selfishness focuses us on our own agenda. The answer for ending selfishness is found in Jesus and His teachings. He showed us that instead of wanting to be first, we must be willing to be last. In place of wanting to be served, we must serve, instead of trying to save our lives, we must lose them. We must love our neighbors (our spouses) as much as we love ourselves. In short, if we want to defeat selfishness, we must give up, give in, and give all. To experience unity, you must give up your will for the will of another. But to do this, you must first give up your will to Christ, and then you will find it possible to give up your will for that of your mate.
#3. Resolving conflict requires loving confrontation.
Confronting your spouse with grace and tactfulness requires wisdom, patience, and humility. Here are a few tips you will find useful:
Check your motives: Will your words help or hurt? Will bringing this up cause healing, wholeness, and oneness, or further isolation?
Check your attitude: Loving confrontation says, “I care about you. I respect you and I want you to respect me. I want to know how you feel.” Don’t hop on your bulldozer and run your partner down. Don’t pull up with your garbage truck and start unloading all the garbage you’ve been saving. Approach your partner lovingly.
Check the circumstances: This includes timing, location, and setting. Don’t confront your spouse, for example, when he/she is tired from a hard day’s work or in the middle of settling a dispute between the children.
Check to see what other pressures may be present: Be sensitive. What are the issues going on in your spouse’s life right now?
During the discussion, stick to one issue at a time: Don’t bring up several. Don’t save up a series of complaints and let your spouse have them all at once.
Focus on the problem, rather than the person: For example, you need a budget and your mate is something of a spendthrift. Work through the plans for finances and make the lack of budget the enemy, not your mate.
Focus on the facts rather than being judgmental: If your partner forgets to make an important call, deal with the consequences of what you both have to do next rather than say, “You’re so careless; you just do things to irritate me; you are useless and good for nothing.”
Above all, focus on understanding your spouse rather than on who is winning or losing. When your spouse confronts you, listen carefully to what is said and what isn’t said. It may be that he is upset about something that happened at work and you’re getting nothing more than the brunt of that pressure. In other words, you are not the problem and all your spouse is trying to do is express some pent-up frustrations and feelings.
#4. Resolving conflict requires forgiveness
No matter how hard two people try to love and please each other, they will encounter challenges. With these challenges comes hurt. And the only ultimate relief for hurt is the soothing balm of forgiveness.
The key to maintaining an open, intimate, and happy marriage is to ask for and grant forgiveness quickly. And the ability to do that is tied to each individual’s relationship with God. Concerning the process of forgiveness, Jesus said, “For if ye forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if ye do not forgive men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses” (Matt6:14–15). The instruction is clear: God insists that we are to be forgivers, and marriage probably more than any other relationship presents frequent opportunities to practice. Forgiving means giving up resentment and the desire to punish. By an act of your will, you let the other person off the hook. And as a Christian you do not do this under duress, scratching and screaming in protest. Rather, you do it with a gentle spirit and love, as Paul urged: “And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ’s sake hath forgiven you.” (Eph4:32).
As difficult as it is to work through conflict in marriage, we can claim God’s promises as we do so. Not only does God bless our efforts based on His Word, but He also tells us He has an ultimate purpose for our trials. 1 Pt1:6-7 tells us, “Wherein ye greatly rejoice, though now for a season, if need be, ye are in heaviness through manifold temptations: That the trial of your faith being much more precious than of gold that perisheth, though it be tried with fire, might be found unto praise and honor and glory at the appearing of Jesus Christ:”
God’s purpose in our conflicts is to test our faith, to produce endurance, to refine us, and to bring glory to Himself. This is the hope He gives us that we can actually approach our conflicts as an opportunity to strengthen our faith and to glorify God.
- Top 15 Reasons Romantic Partners Fight (marriagegems.com)
Today, the word love is used very loosely by people in expressing themselves. It is used to advertise anything from toothpaste to automobiles; not much regard is given to it.
What is love? Love as defined by Oxford Dictionary is a strong feeling of deep affection for someone or something; it also defines it as having a strong affection or deep tender feelings for someone or something. The English language seems insufficient to define love adequately. But the Greek language has three words that help us define the various aspects of love. Eros love is romantic and passionate. It inspires a romantic climate in which you can express physical intimacy with your spouse. It yearns to possess the beloved (Songs of Solomon). It loves because the beloved is attractive and worthy. It cannot be sustained over a period of time unless the other forms of love accompany it. Philia love is the close friendship that cherishes the beloved. There is a mutual sharing in a best friend relationship, where each can communicate their thoughts and dreams. Philia love is reciprocal, each expects something from the other. It allows your spouse to share in your innermost feeling, that is the real you. This love also can fade. Agape love is concerned with the highest welfare of the beloved. It is an act of will and does not depend on feeling. It is unconditional, productive, sacrificial, humble, a choice and a total commitment. Since God is the source of agape love, it persists when others forms of love fades. The word of God made us to understand that love (agape), is the bedrock of all relationships Jn13:34. According to Wycliffe Bible Dictionary, “love is not a mere sentiment but a voluntary self-dedication to the point of self-slavery”. In short, love is fellowship between persons, based on acts of self– sacrifice. Such love is willed, deliberate kindness, extending even to enemies ( for whom one has no personal affection). In Matt22:37-40, Jesus told us of the great commandment whish is “to love God with all your heart, soul, and mind; and also to love your neighbor as yourself. He summed up all moral obligations in the word love, expressed in twofold direction God and neighbor. The quotation in Matt22:37 is from the Jewish Shema (Deut6:4-5) which all Jews repeated twice daily. It represents the essence of Judaism, namely that the knowledge of God precedes knowledge of oneself or of others. The Shema not only defines the Person of God in terms of His Unity, but it also defines the nature of relationship that God’s people are to have with Him and with one another. In Jn13:34-35, Jesus gave a great commandment to His disciples as His new commandment for them. This was to be the standard by which His disciples are to be known; the love of Jesus. The servant like, selfless love that Christian display towards one another witnesses to the world that they are true disciples. The issue of unity in marriage and any other relationship is love; Christ love for us and our willingness to love others as the Lord loves us. This new commandment presses us beyond our natural human inclinations to the need for Christ’s inspiration. Christ love for us is not dependent on a quality in us that makes us loveable; Christ is love, and He loves us regardless of our strength or weakness; and if we are created in His image, we also must be love. If we want to love like Him, then we must ask Him and the Holy Spirit will give us the enablement, the power to love like Jesus. We cannot do it on our own, we need His help in order to succeed. Love is not a matter of sentiment alone, but practical concern, blessing, prayer and positive wishes for wellbeing extended to friends and enemies alike. Just as God indiscriminately sends rain and sunshine upon the just and the unjust, so as Jesus disciples, we must be indiscriminate in our extension of love to friends and enemies. Jesus speaking in Matt5:48 “Be ye therefore perfect, even as your Father which is in heaven is perfect”. The emphasis in the command to “be perfect” is not on a flawless moral nature, but on an all-inclusive love that seeks the good of all. Instead of following the example of sinners who love only those who love them, we are to be like the Father in also loving those who do not love us. The Bible says “Be ye followers of God…..….; follow after that which is good Eph5:1; 1Thess5:15. As children of God, purchased by the Blood of Jesus, love is to be the guiding principle in our relationships not only with fellow believers, but with unbelievers as well. In Rom12:9-21, Paul mentions many specific duties that are to characterize transformed living, but love is the dominant note in all the exhortations. Hospitality is the fruit of a transformed, spirit filled life. It is the off shoot of love. It is showing an interest in others and giving ourselves to loving and supporting them even as God does to us Phil2:4. Leaders are to be front runners in the practice of hospitality 1Tim3:2. In Rom12:18, the scripture gave us one vital principle for living a transformed spirit filled life; because some people may remain violently opposed to us, they will reject all efforts of love towards them, there will be times when all efforts towards love fails. However, we are to make certain that we are not at fault, when peace breaks down in such relationships.
CHARATERISTICS OF LOVE.
Love suffers long. Suffer means to endure something that is not pleasant, love will feel the pain and keep on going Deut10:12; Deut6:5. It endures for long, it goes out of its way not to demand its right. You must suffer for love Jn3:16, your love for God will make you pass through the most unbearable situations.
Love is kind. Love is kind 1Cor13:4, that is caring. Kindness is an action, you exhibit kindness when you express care. You need the help of the Holy Spirit in order to express kindness to people. Kindness is a considerate act. When situation brings you in contact with satanic agents, show kindness, that is the love of God. Love them that hate you. You have the right not to show kindness to those who have done you evil, but a higher law says you must show love to them Matt5:44-48; Rom12:20-21. You remain imperfect, as long as you have shown hatred towards satanic agents. For you to have complete power over satanic agents, God has to see complete love in you.
Love is tender and temperate. Tenderness is an action, if you cannot say that an action is tender, then do not take it. Love is temperate, it is controllable. Anger is the result of a lack of control over ones emotions. Anger is a feeling of hostility, it is the opposite of love. It does not permit the manifestation of love. True love cannot get to the point of rage, which is violent anger.
Love does not retaliate. When you retaliate you have broken a principle which says “vengeance is of God”. Instead of taking vengeance ourselves, we should hand it over to God Rom12:19.
Love is not proud or boastful. To boast is to blow ones trumpet. Excessive talking about ones achievement and glory is being boastful Pr25:14. Perfect love is not proud and boastful. Any thought or speech that makes us to be exalted above others is pride and it does not show love. The manner in which you transmit what you know makes you either humble or proud.
Love is compassionate and always believes the best. When you are in love, you do not walk in suspicion. Love does not suspect. Love sees beyond the immediate circumstances and the person to compassionately relate to the lost, the hurting, the distressed, etc. Truest compassion is only found in the nature of God because only God knows the full depth of an individual’s pain, need and suffering. Christ likeness calls us to learn Jesus’ Heart of love, which is a heart of compassion, a depth of sensitivity, that can be worked in us through the Holy Spirit, reconditioning our hearts to be able to sense the pain of human bondage and weep with those who weep Heb13:1&3; Rom12:15.
Love never fails. Love does not forget, it does not lack knowledge When love lives in you and you in love, you will never lack knowledge; for love has an ability which is inherent knowledge. The people perish not only for lack of knowledge Hos4:6, but for lack of love. When the people walk in love, they will walk in knowledge. The spirit behind love is the Holy Spirit Gal5:22, which is the Spirit that knows all things Jn14:26. Love will fail, if it does not know. Anybody who loves will receive the Spirit of knowledge. The Spirit of love works hand in hand with the gift of the word of knowledge and the Spirit of knowledge.
In conclusion, we can say love is everything. Fulfillment in life, marriage and ministry can only be manifested through love. So go and love one another as Christ had loved you; for greater love has no man than this that a man lay down his life for his friends Jn15:12-13. As dear Children of God walk in love Eph5:1-2.
Husbands love your wives, just as Christ loved the Church and gave Himself Eph5:25,28. Wives, we are seriously advised to be submissive, love our husbands and our children Titus2:4.
In marriage relationship, all three forms of love are necessary. Partners should be best friends, passionate and romantic; this is what keeps the marriage alive and vital; but the glue that holds them together is Christ like love (agape), which doggedly loves when you do not feel romantic and is friendly on those days you do not want to be anybody’s best friend.
Real love means giving and not taking; it means being vulnerable and open. Nowhere in marriage relationship, is there room for self protection or selfishness.
It is not love’s purpose to manipulate or outdo the partner. Love’s sole purpose is to build one another up. Go forth and enjoy the dividends of love.
In the last issue of the Lighthouse blog we looked at the biblical responsibilities of the husband, in this write up we shall be looking at the covenant responsibilities of the wife.
As a wife you are a crown to your husband, a crown relates to wisdom, a crown encircles the head. Wisdom, in effect, surrounds and protects the mind and bring honor to the “head” of one who has it.
When she is received as God‘s gift, the husband of a godly woman will benefit from God’s wisdom through her. The husband of such a woman will be respected in the society, the woman who cultivates her relationship with God first, then relates appropriately to her husband will powerfully influence him in every area of life.
The importance of wisdom cannot be overemphasized. The Bible has examples of women who through the wisdom of God operating in their lives saved their husbands and household from imminent destruction 1Sam25:1-35
A wise woman knows her roles in the house and she carries out her duties excellently to the glory of God Prov14:1, Prov31:10-31.
Biblical Responsibilities of the wife.
While we are all called to be help to one another, God specifically created the woman as a helpmeet for the man. You are to help your husband carry out his roles as the head of family government and also to help him become what God intended him to be. You are to be his number fan and cheerleader. Your role as a helpmeet is complementary and not competitive.
The needed help is for daily work, procreation and mutual support through companionship. You are to help make the home a safe haven for your family a place where your husband can come back and relax.
The role of the wife as a helper is likened to the role of the Holy Spirit as our divine Helper.
The Scripture says wives are to respect their husbands, when you respect your husband; you reverence him, notice him, regard him, honor him, prefer him and esteem him.
It means valuing his opinion, adoring his wisdom and character, appreciating his commitment to you and considering his needs.
Some of the primary needs most men have are as follows:
Self confidence in his personhood as a man.
To be listened to.
To be relevant in the affairs of the home.
Meeting these needs is what respecting your husband is all about. As a wife your husband needs you to bolster his confidence in himself, you are to do this by encouraging him, be behind him, believing in him and appreciating every effort he puts into making life easy for you and the children.
He also wants you to listen to him, no matter how wise you may think you are, a word of wisdom from your husband today will save you the pains and sorrows of tomorrow.
You have to make time to be there for him no matter how busy you may be; if you fail to do this he sees it as disrespect to his person.
Your husband wants to be involved in all that is happening in your life, you must show him that he is relevant and needed by you and the children. You must consider his opinion on all issues whether spiritual or physical matters.
Love Titus 2:4
Wives are called to love their husbands. A good description of the kind of love your husband needs is “unconditional acceptance”. In other words accept your husband just as he is –an imperfect person.
Love also means being committed to a mutually fulfilling sexual relationship.
Survey show that sex is one of man’s most important needs –if not the most important. When a wife resist intimacy, (is uninterested, or is only passively interested) her husband may feel rejection. It will cut at his self image, tear at him to the very centre of his Being and create isolation, which is harmful to your marriage.
Your husband’s sexual needs should be more important and higher on your priority list than household chores, projects etc. it means no matter how busy you are save some energy for him, this will help keep you from being selfish and living for your own needs (1Cor7:4-5). Maintaining this focus helps you defeat isolation in your marriage.
Just mention the word submission and many women immediately become angry and even hostile. This is because of the misunderstanding and misconception of the word.
Submission to husband does not mean the wife is inferior to her husband in any way, it does not lead to being used and abused nor does it mean blind obedience on the part of the woman. What does God have in mind? Col3:18-19 and Eph5:22-30 explains it all. Wives are to submit voluntarily to their husbands’ sensitive and loving leadership. Therefore as I voluntarily submit to my husband I am completing him, I am helping him become the man, the husband and the leader God intended him to be. Building oneness in marriage works best when both partners choose to fulfill their responsibilities voluntarily with no pressure and coercion. For your husband to become the Servant-Leader God has commanded him to be, he needs your gracious respect and submission. When he loves you the way he is commanded to, you can more easily submit yourself to that leadership. Submission becomes easy when you do it with an attitude of entrusting yourself to God 1Pt2:23. When you entrust your life to the Father, it is much easier to be the wife of an imperfect man. Particularly when you may have disagreements.
Sisters, submission to your husband is easy if you live a truly submitted life to Christ that is to live in total submission and obedience to the Word of God, knowing that submitting to your imperfect husband is obeying the word of God.
Beloved, the key to having a perfect family government is for each wife to follow God’s plans, know her part and work to fit in with her husband’s responsibilities.
God bless you, as you partner with your husband in running the affairs of your home according to God’s divine plans and purposes for your family.
Remain bless and stay focus you will surely make in marriage the devil not withstanding. The Trinity is on your side and the Hosts of Heaven are at hand to do your biddings.
It is well with you and your family.
The Grace of God over your family will not be frustrated by the enemy in Jesus Most Holy Name.
- The Woman and Her Home (covenantfamilyaffairs.wordpress.com)
- Wives Submit Yourselves To Your Own Husband (theharvestprinciple.wordpress.com)
- What Does It Mean to Respect Your Husband? (acordof3strands.wordpress.com)
The Bible is very clear about this subject. God is not the Author of confusion 1Cor14:33, so in order for there to be sanity in the home, He placed every member of the home under divine roles.
The troubles we experience in the home today is largely due to our refusal to play our roles as specified by God, we have chosen to carry out our responsibilities as dictated by our fallen human spirit instead of as led by the Holy Spirit of God inside of us.
We will briefly examine the roles of both the husband and wife in a marriage as ordained by God.
Biblical Responsibilities of the Husband.
Be a Leader
The scriptures provide a clear organizational structure for a marriage 1Cor11:3 and Eph5:22-30. God placed the ultimate responsibility with respect to the household squarely on the shoulder of the husband. Being “head” does not mean male dominance, where a man lords it over a woman and demands her total obedience to his every wish and command. God never view women as second class citizens, we are all His children and are of equal value before Him.
The teaching of the New Testament clearly states that women are to be respected, revered and treated as equal with men Gal3:28. Unfortunately, many husbands have not gotten the message. They degrade their wives by neglect or with insensitive and abusive treatment.
When God presented Eve to Adam in the Garden, he received her as a gift of great value from God to him. When husbands, particularly Christian husbands do not treat their wives as a precious gift from God and helpmate, they can cause their wives to search for a way to find significance and value as persons often outside God’s will— Feminist Movement.
Are you a Leader? Men who are “natural” leaders do not have problems in their homes because they know how to take over, control, guide and get things done without using brutish force and their wives naturally respect and obey them with gladness of heart and a sense of purpose. Most husbands are not real men but mere boys, that is why they have problems of being leaders in their homes, they have need to be led themselves but if such husbands will swallow their pride and sit at the feet of the Master who is a perfect example of a Leader they will turn out as good leaders.
Love your Wife Unconditionally
Your unconditional acceptance of your wife is not based upon her performance, but on her worth as God’s gift to you. If you want to love your wife unconditionally always be sure her emotional tank is full. One of the best ways to do this is to affirm her constantly, let her know verbally that you value her, respect her and love her.
Words and actions are vehicles for expressing love 1Jn3:18. One of the missing ingredients in male leadership in the home is sacrificial action.
When was the last time you gave up something for your wife— something you genuinely valued like a time out with the boys, a hobby etc? Sometimes you need to give up something you enjoy so your wife can have a break and see your love for her.
Serve your Wife
According to New Testament, being head of your wife does not mean being her master but her servant Matt20:27-28—Christ our role model for this type of leadership.
Christ, the Head of the Church, took on the very nature of a servant when He was made in human likeness Phil2:7.
One of the best ways to serve your wife is to understand her needs and try to meet them.
Do you know what your wife’s top three needs are right now? What is she worried about? What troubles her? What type of pressure does she feel? Learn the answers to these questions and then do what you can to reduce her worries, her troubles and her pressures.
What do you know about your wife’s hopes and dreams? Are you cultivating her gifts?
Another way to serve your wife is to provide for her that is by first assuming responsibility for meeting the material needs of the family 1Tim5:8.
Providing for her also means taking the initiative in helping meet her spiritual needs. You do this by modeling godly character, by praying with her, spending time together in God’s Word and by looking for ways to encourage her spiritually.
To be a leader, a lover and a servant is to accommodate into your life the gift God has given you— your wife.
Give up your life for hers and at the Judgment Seat of Christ, He will say “Well done thou good and faithful servant”.
May the Lord help us to meet His Standard for our lives that on the Day of Reckoning we will not be found wanting in respect of our responsibilities towards our spouses.
- The Christian Marriage (covenantfamilyaffairs.wordpress.com)
A life of rebellion can pull children into a web of regret. Once they are in it, it is hard for them to get out. As parents we need to help them find their way back into the bosom of the family. It should be our aim, regardless of what our children have done to us, to do everything we can to help restore them to fellowship with God and be in harmony with their extended family.
We are called to be peacemakers (1Pt 3:7). Our government sometimes sends out our armed troops to some hot spots in the world to serve as peacekeepers. Jesus didn’t say, “Blessed are the peacekeepers.” He said, “Blessed are the peacemakers.” Peacekeepers are simply people with big guns and more money in their pockets to keep a rebellion from getting out of hand. Peacekeeping doesn’t solve the rebellion; it just keeps it in check.
A peacemaker helps bring rebellion to an end. That’s what we’re called to do with members of our family who have chosen a life of rebellion. Peacemaking isn’t about avoiding conflict or trying to calm down someone’s anger. It is using whatever means that is beneficial to bringing another person to a point of reconciliation and restoration. It might mean working to avoid a conflict or bringing a conflict to an end. I want to suggest a few principles to follow when acting on God’s leading in restoring a rebellious child back to God and the family:
Talk things out with God before you discuss them with the rebellious child. You want to make sure your heart is right before you attempt to get your child’s heart right. God may need to change you first. He most likely has been teaching you things all along. Allow Him to continue to teach you. Talk with Him, but also listen to Him.
Don’t be afraid to voice your own despair and frustration to God. You may have a good deal of anger of your own to ventilate with Him. Speak what is on your heart respectfully to Him. But speak it!
God speaks very clearly to us through His Word. Put the Scriptures before you and meditate on them. Ask God to reveal to you the unmet needs in your son or daughter that might have stirred him or her to anger. God may wait days, weeks, or months before He gives you the calm assurance that you are ready to make your approach. Wait for His peace. In the meantime, God may not only be changing your heart; He may also be changing your son’s or daughter’s heart, too.
Take the first step. You may have been on the receiving end of a lot of dishonor. Your fragile ego tells you, “It’s your child’s duty to take the first step. He/she’s the one that has rebelled and caused you pain. He/she should have to initiate peace talk.”
Don’t let your flesh do the talking or allow your wounded heart to call the shots. Let God’s Spirit take the lead. And remember that holding back only hurts you. The Bible says that refusing to deal with unresolved conflict will block your prayers.
Identify with their pain. People don’t get angry and rebel for no reason. There may be a lot of pain stirred up inside them. Listen, speak less. Ask questions.
Go with the goal of sympathizing before attempting to find solutions. It’s not the time to rehearse the hurts or try to clarify the mistakes your child has made. Nor is it the time to remind him/her just how much pain he/she has dished out.
The key at this stage of the restoration process is to communicate that your child is tremendously valuable to you. His/her opinions, feelings and wounds matters to you. The Living Bible says, “We must bear the ‘burden’ of being considerate of the doubts and fears of others. Let’s please the other fellow, not ourselves, and do what is for his good” (Rom 15:2).
You may have to listen to some accusations and unfounded assaults. Don’t get into defending yourself. Let your child get the bile out of his/her system. When he/she sees that you aren’t rationalizing, explaining, or arguing, it will show him/her that you are more interested in him/her than in yourself. And remember, if you have to take some insults you don’t deserve, you’ll be doing the same thing for your son or daughter that Christ had to do for you.
Own up to the negative part you played. No parent is perfect. And if you got caught off guard by a child’s rebellion, you may have done or said things you shouldn’t have. Because your child has been so close to you, you may have unintentionally let him/her down.
Don’t try to explain why you did what you did or said what you said. Just ask for forgiveness. Jesus said, “First take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye” (Matt 7:5).
Your attitude of humility and remorse can play a huge role in changing your rebellious child’s attitude. Be thorough, humble, and gentle as you confess the part you played in his/her decision to turn his/her back on God’s best plans. Ask for forgiveness.
Deal with the problem, not the person. It is very important that you go through the process, not accusing your children or convincing them of things they did wrong. God will reveal that to them. This is not the time to attach blame to their actions or to rehearse your hurt.
The book of Proverbs reminds us that “a gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger” (Pro15:1). Your tone of voice, your posture, and your facial expressions can communicate so much that is in your heart. Just let your child see God’s grace and mercy in your eyes and feel it in your voice. The Bible says, “The wise in heart are called discerning, and pleasant words promote instruction” (Pro16:21).
Regardless of whether they use sarcasm, put-downs, arrogance, or insults, don’t give back in kind. Paul said, “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen” (Eph4:29).
Figure out how you can cooperate rather than compete. You may have to swallow some pride. It’s not that you are compromising on absolute principles but rather looking for some common ground where you and your child can both agree. The key here is that you’re not trying to win a battle. Your goal is unity, not victory.
Don’t aim at resolving; aim at restoring. There’s no way both sides of a major conflict are going to agree on everything. Don’t even try. Reconciliation isn’t about evening scores and fixing all the problems that have occurred. Your goal is the restoration of the relationship between you and your child, not in resolving every difference of opinion. When hearts are brought back together, many of the differences between them become irrelevant.
Not even the best of friends and the healthiest married couples see eye to eye on everything. That’s not the goal of love anyway. Grace has room for different perspectives and different interpretations of a situation. Concentrate on bringing your hearts back together and deal with the differences later, after God has brought healing to your relationship. Shalom.
- Free from the Stronghold of Rebellion (ptl2010.com)
Marriage is the most basic of human relationships, it is within marriage that individuals have their emotional, physical, familial and financial needs met. Marriage is serious business; the choice of a marriage partner is perhaps the most important decision to be made in life. No other relationship greatly influences every other areas of life. However, marriage has been used by many as a legal sanction for exerting one’s own rights over another, to insure financial security at another’s expense or to provide self identity within society the good news is that God‘s plans for marriage is far different. Marriage is a mystery and God Himself is the solution to that mystery. Marriage as instituted by God is the union of two separate individuals into one flesh. Each partner finds satisfaction and completeness in the presence of one another and of God. This fundamental principle concerning marriage must be understood for the relationship to be successful, rewarding and pleasing to God. Since God Himself established marriage it was His idea and not man’s idea He Himself determined the boundaries of the relationship. We as Christians therefore can expect guidance from His written word, support from fellow believers, positive role models in the Church and especially ever present help from the Divine Marriage Counselor within in the person of the Holy Spirit. A Christian marriage begins with vows to one another and to God. Mutual love, honor and commitment are covenanted for a lifetime. Yet often the marriages of Christians are shattered by divorce just like the people without commitment to Christ. Perhaps your marital boat has capsized and ready to sink. Do not give up help is on the way.
This issue of the Lighthouse blog is designed to get you in contact with the Master Builder who made your marriage craft. What blueprints and tools are needed for marriage under construction? Is there a manual to help with the maintenance?
The Bible specifies a builder Ps127:1 Jesus is the Builder of any successful marriage. It suggests the best construction method Matt7:24. Listening to and obeying the words of Jesus are the mortar and bricks that are used to construct a permanent marriage. The Bible is the most accurate marriage manual available on sale today. 2Tim3:16. Jesus promised that if you will be a wise builder, your marriage will stand against the flood of problems that threatened from without. Matt7:25.
Tools for Building a Solid Marriage.
The Role of Salvation. The most critical question you will ever have to answer is “what are you doing with Jesus? Acts4:12 Salvation can only be found in Christ but being born again is not enough to withstand the temptations that come your way. Many people are born again but they do not experience the joy of knowing Jesus on a personal, day to day basis. Asking Jesus to save you and inviting Him to stay as a permanent resident is an important decision to make, it is comparable to buying a comprehensive insurance protection. Jesus’ call to discipleship is to make Him both Savior and Lord of your life. You cannot expect all your marital problems to disappear simply by deciding for Jesus, but with His guidance because He is a permanent Resident in your life and marriage you will scale through the hurdles Pr4:11.
The Role of the Holy Spirit. Very few Christians realize that the Resident Holy Spirit is the greatest marriage counselor possible. He does the following for you: He counsels Jn 14:16 He encourages Acts 9:31. He prays for you Rom 8:27. He will reveal practical ways to obey God’s commandments and as you mature spiritually His fruits will be evident in your life Gal5:22-23. Each fruit is a manifestation of the character of Jesus. God also in addition to the fruits gives the supernatural gifts of the Spirit. These are available in your marriage to minister to one another. 1Cor12:7-10. The Holy Spirit delights in helping you but there is a condition. You must first ask Lk 11:13.
Growing in Christ. If you were to choose an ideal mate, your deepest longing is to find someone who loves you unconditionally, who thinks you are precious and who if necessary would give up his/her very life for you. When God drew up the guidelines for marriage He kept those needs in mind. Eph5:25 the love between a husband and his wife is compared to God’s infinite love for His people. Imagine a triangle with God at the apex, the husband at one corner and the wife at the other. As they move upward towards God, they draw increasingly closer to each other. The closer they get to the source of love the better they are to love and encourage one another. Christ -like love is the basis for the marriage relationship in which two become one flesh. Christ feels the deepest form of intimacy for His Bride. Eph 5:25-27 and 1Jn 4:10—12. As we follow Christ’s example, our relationship becomes far richer and more satisfying than we ever dreamed. Husband and wife are to love each other unconditionally and sacrificially as Christ our Perfect Example loved His Bride the Church.
- Christian Marriage (thechristianpundit.org)
- 5 Steps to Building Your Christian Marriage (beltwaychurch.wordpress.com)
“We have to stop asking of marriage what God never designed it to give: perfect happiness, conflict-free living, and idolatrous obsession”.
Instead, we can learn to appreciate what God designed marriage to provide: partnership, spiritual intimacy and the ability to pursue God together. So, what is the most common misconception Christians have about marriage?
“Finding a ‘soul mate’ — someone who will complete us”.
The problem with looking to another human to complete us is that, (spiritually speaking) it’s idolatry. We are to find our fulfillment and purpose in God . . . and if we expect our spouse to be ‘God’ to us, he or she will fail every day. No person can live up to such expectations.
Everyone has bad days, yells at his or her spouse, or is downright selfish. Despite these imperfections, God created the husband and wife to steer each other in His direction.
When my husband forgives me . . . and accepts me, I learn to receive God’s forgiveness and acceptance as well. In that moment, he is modeling God to me, revealing God’s mercy to me, and helping me to see with my own eyes a very real spiritual reality.”
While it’s easy to see why God designed an “other-centered” union for a “me-centered” world, living that way is a challenge.
So when bills pile up, communication breaks down and you’re just plain irritated with your husband or wife, these reminders are to help ease the tension:
God created marriage as a loyal partnership between one man and one woman.
Marriage is the firmest foundation for building a family.
God designed sexual expression to help married couples build intimacy.
Marriage mirrors God’s covenant relationship with His people.
We see this last parallel throughout the Bible. For instance, Jesus refers to Himself as the “bridegroom” and to the kingdom of heaven as a “wedding banquet.”
These points demonstrate that God’s purposes for marriage extend far beyond personal happiness. Let me quickly clarify that God isn’t against happiness per se, but that marriage promotes even higher values.
“God did not create marriage just to give us a pleasant means of repopulating the world and providing a steady societal institution to raise children. He planted marriage among humans as yet another signpost pointing to His own eternal, spiritual existence.”
Serving Our Spouse
“He spends the entire evening at the office again.”
“She spends money without entering it in the checkbook.”
“He goes golfing instead of spending time with the children”.
From irritating habits to weighty issues that seem impossible to resolve, loving one’s spouse through the tough times isn’t easy. But the same struggles that drive us apart also shed light on what we value in marriage.
If happiness is our primary goal, we’ll get a divorce as soon as happiness seems to wane. If receiving love is our primary goal, we’ll dump our spouse as soon as they seem to be less attentive. But if we marry for the glory of God, to model His love and commitment to our children, and to reveal His witness to the world, divorce makes no sense.
Couples who’ve survived a potentially marriage-ending situation, such as infidelity or a life-threatening disease, may continue to battle years of built-up resentment, anger or bitterness.
So, what are the ways to strengthen a struggling relationship or even encourage a healthy one?
Let’s look at these practical tips:
Focus on your spouse’s strengths rather than their weaknesses.
Encourage rather than criticize.
Pray for your spouse instead of gossiping about them.
Learn and live what Christ teaches about relating to and loving others.
Young couples in particular can benefit from this advice. After all, many newlyweds aren’t adequately prepared to make the transition from seeing one another several times a week to suddenly sharing everything.
Definitely, annoying habits and less-than-appealing behaviors will surface. Yet as Christians, we are called to respect everyone including our spouse.
We need to learn how to ‘fall forward.’ That is, when we are frustrated or angry, instead of pulling back, we must still pursue our partner under God’s mercy and grace.
Lastly, we can pray this helpful prayer: Lord, how can I love my spouse today like he/she’s never been loved and will never be loved?
I can’t tell you how many times God has given me very practical advice. Its one prayer that I find gets answered just about every time.
While other marriage books may leave us feeling overwhelmed, spotlighting our shortcomings and providing pages of relationship homework, The Marriage Manual (The Bible) written by The Master Builder makes it clear that any couple can have a successful, happy and holy marriage.
With a Christ-centered relationship, an other-centered attitude and an unwavering commitment to making it work, your marriage can flourish — just as God designed.
- The 80/20 Rule (tivaniag.wordpress.com)
- Keys to a happy marriage: Things I wish I would have known when I was fifteen. (janelleevans.wordpress.com)