I love him
I want him to be my first
He’s waited long enough
I don’t want to lose him
I love her
We’ve been going out for a long time
I have needs
It’s time we took our relationship to the next level
Sweetheart, those are all some pretty good reasons to have sex, aren’t they? But to go along with these carefully thought out reasons, will mean ruining your marital destiny and, building your marital life on a faulty foundation Heb 13:4; Ps 11:3.
Consider the following reasons why pre marital sex is a taboo.
You’re going to get hurt
No matter how you look at it, even when you have good reasons to do it, premarital sex hurts…a lot. If you are a guy, you might think it’s just the girl who gets hurt, but you’re only partly right. The girl will get hurt, because she has this uncontrollable tendency to attach her heart to any guy she gives her body to, unless she’s already been made cold-hearted from the pain of offering her body to be used so many times that she doesn’t care anymore. But as a guy, you will get hurt too. By indulging in non-committed sensual pleasures, you will be setting yourself up for a lifetime of comparisons that will harass your thoughts and make you unable to be content in your most valuable future earthly relationship (your marriage). The guilt you’ll have (and there is always guilt eventually) will eat you up so badly that you will be a target for addictions or avoidance that will prevent any true intimacy in this life.
Your future is going to get messed up.
You already know that teens get pregnant, teens get abortions, and teens get STD’s. Those are all ways that your life can get messed up now and stay that way for a long time.
God is going to get pushed out of your life.
There’s no way around it. When you are living to please yourself and ignoring God, He isn’t going to force Himself on you. That means that you aren’t going to have His help, His encouragement, His direction, or His awesome plans working out in your life. You might think you’re having fun for awhile, but eventually, living for yourself is going to hurt. You will end up lonely, depressed, hopeless, purposeless, and passionless. That’s because you can’t ignore God for long and enjoy your life. You can try, but you will never be peaceful or satisfied. It is impossible. The Bible says in Romans 8:7, 8, “If your sinful nature controls your mind, there is death. But if the Holy Spirit controls your mind, there is life and peace. For the sinful nature is always hostile to God. (NLT)”.
Be wise say NO to premarital sex, it is a destroyer of destiny!
Trying to decide if the person you’re dating is God’s best choice of mate for you but the answer isn’t clear? Determining God’s best is a critical decision, one that requires you put aside your own agenda and desires, in order to consider the most important thing: what is God trying to tell me about this relationship?
Below are some checking list that I believe will help you determine God’s choice of mate for you. Beloved remember, before you expect to find this kind of person you must be this kind of person for someone else. God will not give you His best if you are not already His best for someone else.
Growing up Spiritually. Ask: Does this person seek out God willingly and eagerly on their own? Does he/she rely on me to grow spiritually– read the bible, go to church or does he/she do this already? God’s best will have a growing relationship with Him that is genuine, fresh and intimate in a way that is noticeable for all to see.
Active Prayer Life. Ask: Does this person pray regularly? Does he/she easily pray with me or in front of others? Does he/she talk about their prayer concerns and answered prayer? A marriage without prayer is like a light that hasn’t being plugged in– it’s dark and powerless. God’s best must be conversing with Him on regular basis for direction in life and investing in the lives of others.
Pure. Ask: Is this person determined to wait until marriage to have sex or use my body for his/her own pleasure in any capacity? Does he/she live what they preach? A great “barometer” to a person’s heart is how they control their sexual urges, if they truly love God and want to be obedient to Him, there will be no excuses, playing with fire, or compromises. They will honor God above their fleshy desires and will wait for you.
Teachable. Ask: Does this person ask for help, do they admit when they are wrong and say sorry? Do they seek godly counsel, do they respect God– given authority in their lives and are they repentant and obedient in matters with God? There is no greater security in marriage (especially for women in submitting to their husband) than trusting a mate who is teachable before God and seeking His will above their own.
Honest. Ask: Does this person tell you the truth even when it’s hard, does he/she take responsibility for their actions( own up) when they do something wrong or hurtful, do they twist the truth or minimize it to get out of trouble? Counting on your partner’s word in marriage is vital. He/she shouldn’t be afraid to admit when they mess up.
Whole. Ask: Does this person place their hopes, expectations and emotional needs in God alone? During difficult times do they try to fill up holes with the emotional support of others (especially me)? God’s best knows that it is only God that can give true comfort, hope and security. In times of difficulties and challenges they know how to turn the light on Him for solutions.
Surrendered. Ask: Is this person stubbornly pursuing their plans and goals or do they frequently offer up their lives to God and His plans? If the person you are marrying is living for him/herself, you are not going to have the marriage God intended for you. God’s best will live a life surrendered to His Spirit.
Forgiving. Ask: does this person forgive and get over things easily, is there any area of bitterness or unforgiveness from their past that they have not dealt with? God’s best has a forgiving spirit and he/she recognizes God as being in control of their lives, so they can let go of offenses. This will work in your favor when you have marital conflicts.
If after going through the above check list and you still can’t determine God’s will for the future, then:
Wait – perhaps God is not ready to reveal His plan for your relationship yet.
- Never bring up mistakes of the past.
Stop criticizing others or it will come back on you. If you forgive others, you will be forgiven (Lk6:37).
- Neglect the whole world rather than each other.
And how do benefit if you gain the whole world but lose your own soul in the process? (Mk8:36).
- Never go to sleep with an argument unsettled.
And do not sin by letting anger gain control of you. Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry (Eph4:26).
- At least once a day, try to say something complimentary to your spouse.
Gentle words bring life and health; a deceitful tongue crushes the spirit (Pro15:4).
- Never meet without an affectionate welcome.
Kiss me again and again, your love is sweeter than wine (Songs of Sol1:2).
- “For richer or poorer” -rejoice in every moment that God has given you together.
A bowl of soup with someone you love is better than steak with someone you hate (Pro15:17).
- If you have a choice between making yourself or your mate look good, choose your mate.
Do not withhold good from those who deserve it when it is in your power to help them (Pro3:27).
- Do not use faith, the Bible, or God as a hammer.
God did not send His Son to the world to condemn it, but to save it (John3:17)
- If they have breathe in their nostrils, your mate will eventually offend you. Learn to forgive.
The Scriptures warn, if another believer sins, rebuke him; if he repents, forgive him. Even if he wrongs you seven times a day and each time turns again and ask forgiveness, forgive him (Lk17:3-4).
- Let love be your guidepost
Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or rude. Love does not demand its own way. Love is not irritable and keeps no record of when it has been wronged (1Cor13:4-5).
What does a woman need in a marriage?
Affirmation. Lots of it. Soft, tender, thoughtful, unexpected, meaningful, heartfelt affirmation delivered with no sexual demands attached. That’s difficult for most men. A man usually sets goals and generally acts only when he is after something. When it comes to romance, he’s tempted to give affirmation only because he hopes to “get sex” in return. Husbands would do well to watch Solomon in action. Solomon, by contrast, referred to his wife as “my beloved” forty times in the Song of Solomon. That choice phrase is packed with affirmation. It’s a romantic expression, a call to rich friendship. Each time Solomon said, “My beloved,” his words clothed her with dignity and value. What woman wouldn’t flourish under such a constant stream of loving affirmation?
Here are some nonsexual ways to cherish your bride through words and acts of affirmation. And by the way, the use of these words and actions helps you speak her romantic love language. It’s important to remember that you are not doing these things to get something in return. Perhaps she might reciprocate in your love language back to you, but that’s not your goal.
Are you ready?
Then let’s go:
1. Hug and kiss her every morning before leaving the house. Research indicates that marriages that practice this simple discipline are much healthier than those that don’t. If she’s sleeping, leave her a note, or gently kiss her forehead and whisper, “Have a wonderful day, sweetheart.”
2. Reach across the front seat of the car when you drive and hold her hand, even for a few moments. Allow your fingers to become entwined.
3. Initiate daily prayer with her. This one spiritual discipline has transformed millions of marriages. Make a commitment, and then begin to pray together every day. Ask her to pray for you about a challenge you are facing.
4. Go an entire day without criticizing anything about her. Instead, try to notice her doing something that you really appreciate, and tell her how much you value her.
5. Take her car to the fuel station, fill the tank, vacuum the floor mats, and clean the windows. When you park it at the house, leave a note on the dashboard with just a heart and the words, “Thinking of you.”
6. Write her a short love letter in which you list several ways that she has blessed you this year.
7. Say, “Thank you,” after every meal she serves. Then help her clear the table.
8. Try your hand at making breakfast on Saturday morning. Tell her she deserves a break and should feel free to sleep in.
9. Call her from work and say, “I’ve been thinking of how good it is to have you in my life. Thanks for all that you do for me and our family; and thanks for being there always.”
10. While she studies her face in the mirror, come up behind her and gently kiss the back of her neck. Say, “God broke the mold after He made you. You are so beautiful.”
For some men, the thought of affirming their wives sounds like a lot of work. Others are anxious about being so vulnerable with displays of affirmation. Whatever the reason, they hesitate to step out and pursue the call to love found in Ephesians 5:25.
If you’ve hesitated affirming your bride, or if you’ve been slow to praise her qualities, trust me on this: just do it. Affirming your wife through any three or four of these ideas will do wonders for your romance. Is that too difficult to believe?
You’ll never know unless you try, right?
- Why Being A Romantic Isn’t Hopeless (thoughtcatalog.com)
Romans 15:2-3 tells us “Let each of us please his neighbor for his good, leading to edification. For even Christ did not please Himself…” (NKJV).
Who is your closest neighbor? Your Spouse. How can you edify (build, improve) your mate and thereby enhance his/her self-worth? By discovering and doing what pleases him/her.
If you are creative, pleasing your mate may be a natural part of your personality. But a less creative person may need some coaching in becoming a partner pleaser. And all of us need an occasional cue card to remind us to reach out. Here are a few ideas:
Write him a letter and send it to his office, or put a love note in his lunchbox or briefcase.
Prepare his favorite meal.
Purchase something small and frivolous for him that he won’t buy himself.
Greet your husband warmly after work. Find out how his day has been, listen attentively and offer your sincere encouragement.
Put the children to bed early and prepare a candlelight dinner.
Men view romance differently than women. Ask your husband to describe what’s romantic to him. Don’t be surprised when his ideas sound very different from yours.
In order for romance to deepen, you must touch the heart and mind of your wife before you touch her body.
Write her a poem or a letter telling her how she means to you and how she has been a blessing and a gift from God to you.
Ask how her day has been, and genuinely listen to her tales and be sympathetic, if she has had a rough day.
Create an atmosphere of love, make her laugh, tell her a joke, do something funny.
Talk with your eyes, with just a look you can tell your wife how much you love her; make her feel important, be her number one admirer and support her with your presence.
Do something to help her with her challenges.
- Romance 101 (perikinder.com)
Whether your marriage is currently the best it has ever been, or it is in need of restoration, these secrets will improve your relationship. Even for troubled marriages, it will take work, but it is possible to breathe new life into a relationship that has grown frail. Often, when the flames of love are growing dim at home women tend to blame their husbands for becoming cold and distant. Women share part of the blame when their husbands pull away from them emotionally. Sometimes, it is the women’s attitudes or behaviors that have caused the men to become frigid. It is not that love has died between them; it is just that the husband has shut down emotionally because of how his wife treats him.
Let’s consider these secrets to a healthier relationship with our husbands with an open heart. And the Light of God will shine into that sickly marriage and it will blossom and bloom again:
Secret #1: Your husband cannot meet all of your emotional needs.
Many times, a husband will pull away from his wife because she puts too many demands on him to meet all of her needs. When he can’t possibly meet her expectations, he feels like a failure and distances himself from her.
Secret #2: Your husband has emotional needs that are just as important as your own needs.
It is also important, to realize that women are not the only ones with emotional needs. Men have many important needs as well. Often, when women feel that their husbands are not meeting their needs, they can become hurtful and unkind toward him. This approach makes most husbands pull away because they do not feel respected (a significant emotional need for men). Women need to realize, that if they were to speak to their best friends the way they often speak to their husbands, they would be without friends.
Secret #3: Most men truly want to make their marriages work.
One thing that women have not realized is that men are often more committed to their marriages than women believe. They do care about their marriages. Many men desire to do whatever it will take to save their marriages. “I think most men, by nature, are very committed to marriage. They want to make their wives happy. They want to keep their family together. They want to do the right thing. I think it’s up to us women, to set a healthier emotional climate in the home to inspire them to remain that committed.”
The bottom line: When both spouses are working together to help the other feel loved, there is no limit to how close the two can be. Shalom.
- The Christian Marriage (covenantfamilyaffairs.wordpress.com)
“Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also love the church and gave himself for it”; Eph 5:2. As a husband your primary assignment is to love your wife.
How many of these characteristics of love and romantic gestures do you practice towards your wife every day?
A loving husband is patient with his wife.
He is kind to his wife.
He does not envy his wife.
He does not regard himself to be more worthy than his wife.
He is not arrogant (proud) towards his wife.
He is not self seeking, placing himself above his wife.
He is not rude to his wife.
He is not easily angered towards his wife.
He keeps no record of the wrong doings his wife committed.
A loving husband does not delight in evil.
He rejoices with his wife in the truth.
A loving husband always protects his wife.
He always trust his wife.
He always hopes for the best for his wife.
A loving husband always perseveres, even when his wife is unlovable.
Enjoy pleasing your wife, women need to feel appreciated. Verbal appreciation is essential in the life of a woman. She wants to know that you value her.
Always greet your wife with a hug and kiss that says, that you’re happy to see her and do the same when you leave her, to say you will miss her.
Tell her what you love about her, what makes her special and what you appreciate.
Never compare your wife with other women, not even your mother or sisters.
Do not even show her the mildest form of contempt. Contempt is poison in a relationship.
The way you act towards her should subtly validate her as a person, even when you do not understand or agree with her.
- The Priorities of a Godly Husband. (covenantfamilyaffairs.wordpress.com)